The Veil Nebula is something that, along with a seemingly unending parade of other things, has come to my mind lately. It’s an absolutely breathtaking display of what’s possible in the universe; the result of a supernova explosion that released  untold amounts of energy into the universe, as far back as possibly 6,000 BC.

It’s a mesmerizing construct of ionized oxygen, hydrogen, and sulfur. It’s just out there, larger than our minds can really piece together or understanding, some 1,400 light years away.

I have a picture of it as my wallpaper.

There’s a range of pictures of the Veil Nebula, taken through different lens and methods but this one has always stuck out to me. Maybe it’s because it’s kinda orange-ish.

But tonight I was winding down after my podcast. This generally involves some jazz music, lowered lights, and some time piecing together my thoughts.

I ventured back towards perception. The other day, someone told me that they would have never guessed I was an introverted person. They’ve only ever seen me in this lively, social context where I legitimately am extroverted so it was an understandable shock to learn exactly how introspective I am and can be. On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve almost always been told that I’m too much of a hermit. That I close myself off. That I need to get out of my own head and my own way.

I kicked my feet up on my coffee table and had a sip of whiskey to Miles Davis while I thought on this. By the way, sipping whiskey is a first for me and it officially makes me feel like an old man and an old soul. I should have done it sooner. You gain such a better understanding of a drink’s flavor when you choose quality over quantity sometimes.

But anyway.

As I’ve written here, I do struggle with introversion. It’s easy for me to get lost in my own thoughts, and to separate myself. While I could stand to have some moderation on that front in some instances, being that deep thinker makes me who I am. And in spite of my gaffs and missteps, I’m growing to really like myself. Love myself, even.

I think I’ve started to game the system as far as this whole introspective thing goes. When I take one on the chin figuratively, it probably hits me harder than most people. I sit and think about it a while; a good while. But when I finally emerge from the depths, I feel so much better and knowledgeable. To the point where the last couple of times I’ve even started to feel excited in those moments because I knew I’d ultimately come out of it a better person.

And I wouldn’t have that without my introspection. Really refining this way of thinking is how I feel I get to a place of possessing unshakable confidence in myself. And that’s not something I’ve ever really had.

I’m okay with having quirks, with being unusual, and with not being everyone’s cup of tea. And I haven’t always been, but the more I am the happier about myself I feel. I guess I just hit a realization of wondering why the Hell I’ve ever looked at my quirks as things that were ‘wrong’ and needed to be worked on. I don’t need or want to become someone else for anyone’s approval, particularly my own. The whole Independence thing at play.

But damn is it freeing to embrace who you are and what you like about yourself. I suppose the grand irony or practical joke is that once I’m able to hone and master that sense of self confidence and adoration the more outgoing and extroverted I will end up being. Which has been a quagmire I’ve been trying to ‘solve’ for most of my adult life.

But maybe it doesn’t need solving. Maybe it never has. I am not like many people. At all. And that’s something to celebrate, if you ask me.

So I’ll continue being that weirdo, thanks. That suits me just fine.

But yeah. Veil Nebula. Miles Davis. Whiskey. Confidence. Weirdo.

I’m sure there will be valleys ahead. This is far from some happy ending. I think the happiest days of my life are ahead of me, but there will be plenty of dark ones too. But this moment is why I write this blog, so I can look back and see the catalog of my thoughts through the rise and fall that is my introspection. To enjoy the highs, understand the lows, and chart the progress of someone I’m growing to like more and more each day.

And that’s pretty flippin’ cool.