Part of me wanted to write this 2 weeks into CRL. Part of me wanted to wait until after the Finals and everything was done. But I decided on the drive home last night, after the last team for the finals was found that I’d take time today to try to gather my thoughts on my experience as a host.

Consider this as more of a stream of consciousness more than anything else. There isn’t going to be much of a beginning middle and end.

Since there are folks who watched CRL who didn’t know who I was beforehand, I’ll go over some stuff about me you may already have read. Sorry?

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Hosting proved to be one of the most difficult things I’ve done in my life, but also one of the most rewarding. On its surface, it’d be easy to think the transition would be easy. I’ve opened for Heroes of the Dorm and other stuff before. I’ve been the host in that capacity. But now I’m just doing that without the casting. Should be easy, right?

Not for me.

I got into casting as a means to better connect with myself and who I was; to learn how to honestly express myself. I expected to fail. I anticipated people thinking I was terrible at it, laughing at me, and giving me the chance to experience social rejection so that it might harden me for future attempts at things. My plan felt infallible at the time, but it backfired in that people seemed to like my casting enough for me to keep doing more and more things.

A certain bar was reached for me, where I felt like I accomplished the things I wanted to do with casting at the professional level. When the announcement came out that HGC was ending I felt a range of things (that I mostly wrote in a previous blog post if someone was so inclined to read that), but for the most part I made my peace with the idea that my casting ‘career’ was over.

Since then I started casting some Smash Ultimate stuff, but it felt more like back when I started out with casting; something I did because I enjoyed it and I wanted to challenge myself by trying to cast a game that was very different from what I had known. So when I was contacted about potentially hosting CRL I was entirely floored.

Knowing I did not have a ton of experience with the game, they still felt I would be good at the role of host. That in and of itself was flattering, but a bit terrifying as well.

Casting is my outlet. It’s one of the few times in my life where my brain takes a backseat to truly honest expression. I reach into a part of myself I didn’t know I had a few years ago. During a cast I am imbued with confidence that I seldom feel in other places. It’s a kind of energy that is addicting yet soothing at the same time.

But I guess the realization I made as the weeks went on with CRL is one huge difference between casting and hosting. Casting, in a lot of ways and in the context I see it, is a shield. It’s me, sure, but it’s me doing an act of some sort. Like singing, dancing, or playing a sport. It’s something to hide behind, as meta a concept as that may be.

If I make a bad joke casting, there’s a whole wealth of things to talk about afterwards. I can just get into the technical aspects of casting a game and ‘hide’. I felt like it was very much just me in front of a camera.

You don’t really get to do that with hosting. Not really, I found. A good host has a good personality, and I was considered for the role of host for CRL because of my personality. Something that I’ve consistently bashed, looked down on, doubted, and for a long time lost hope in was something others saw value in. And the people who saw value in it aren’t crazy. They’re people I have a lot of respect for.

So maybe I was the one that was crazy? I don’t know.

I do know that as a host I felt very ‘naked’. I’ve said it time and time again, but the guys I worked with on the desk, the production staff, and Psyonix made what felt like an impossible endeavor into something I felt pretty comfortable doing. Perhaps even confident in some instances.

Which blows my freaking mind because looking back on it now I am shocked I even wanted to do it in the first place.

Someone who constantly doubts himself and feels uncomfortable in groups he should feel comfortable in takes on a new role in a new game with new coworkers in front of a new community in a medium that is largely open to criticism and laid-bare rejection.

What could go wrong?

About my performance I can say that there were instances where I fell short of my expectations, both lofty and reasonable. But there were also moments where, looking back, I was pretty impressed with the job I did.

To face hosting was and is to face myself. As I’ve explained to a few people it’s odd getting feedback and tips on what to improve as a host, because there isn’t much separation from the ‘me’ that’s typing this up and the ‘me’ that is passing off to a break. I don’t like to show imperfections, and I felt every stumble of words, every mistake, every mispronounced name, and every misstep. It was somehow easy and difficult at the same time.

I like to think that true growth comes from being outside your comfort zone to a degree, and I definitely was there.

From a technical perspective, hosting also really made me assess how my mind works. People have asked over the years where I come up with the stuff I say when I cast, and my answer is always the truth; I have no idea. It just comes to me on the fly. But I don’t really get to do that with hosting.

I participated in casting as a second analyst/storyteller kind of person. Which is cool, and looking back helped me wade in to the concept of ever potentially casting Rocket League outright. It created a lot of jammed signals in my head, though.

What I say when I cast Heroes on the fly comes from my subconscious (I think) and my short term memory. I actually rarely remember a lot of things I say that people find funny, in all truth. But hosting requires a TON of mid-to-long term memory. Remembering team names, stories, what two other people are saying in and out of a game, what is lined up next in terms of production, and whatever else bounces around in my head at any given moment.

In my growing understanding of the game, I would take a lot of notes when I noticed patterns and big plays from the teams over the course of the game. Mid-term memory. But I’d also add stuff during the course of the game. Short-term memory.

So out of the game there would be a lot of times where how words go from mid-term memory to out of my mouth would cross up with my short-term mental processes. At least that’s what it felt like. I would go to describe one thing based on a word or two I jotted down in the game but a different way to say it would magically be what I say, only I’d stumble over the word.

It happened a lot.

I’ve kinda always had an issue where I’d stumble over my words. It’s a large part of why I feel I’m a better writer than speaker. Except for things like this where it’s just an aimless wandering of the mind, I suppose. With actual stories and things I think I’m pretty good at writing. Anyway.

Casting has helped to some extent address my stumbling, but it might always be there to some degree. I’ve worked at it. I just don’t know how to get rid of it entirely. I’d love to because that’d mean my mind itself would work in a better rhythm and that’s something I’ve wanted for a long time.

With Heroes, talking outside the game was pretty easy in that I knew the game very well and I knew what to talk about. By the time I did the second Heroes of the Dorm all the production-sided processes were ingrained in muscle memory. So I never really got out of sync.

A lot of the flow and format from Dorm to CRL had similarities, but it’s still a new game, new environment, new role, new production folks, and a new community.

I honestly felt like at any given time I was thinking entertaining anywhere from 8-11 different mental threads as host. It actually brought about an instance where I felt a lot of disappointment in myself.

I had wanted to try to do some play-by-play casting during the games, but adding that kind of mental processing on top of everything else just felt like it was too much for me. I could feel other things suffering. It was a limit that was very hard to hit, and even more difficult to consciously recognize. The perfectionist in me, that wants to be able to take on any challenge and excel wilts at the idea of not being able to do something I set out to do.

I really struggled with the idea that I had failed. It took a lot of doing to give myself some slack, and be ‘okay’ with the idea of not being able to do it all yet. With time, as more stuff because automatic processes I don’t need to think about then I do feel I could bring a lot of what people know me for as a caster to the table as play by play in Rocket League.

But damn if it didn’t hurt to realize I couldn’t do it just yet.

A lot of folks from the RL community took time out of their day to message me and tell me I was doing a good job, and gave me some pointers and words of encouragement on how to improve. It meant more to me than I’m sure a lot of people would think.

I never feel like I fit in anywhere, but the RL community as a whole did not give me any instance where I felt I was unwelcome. It made it really easy to tackle those negative thoughts and rein them in. On the day it was announced I was doing CRL, someone had asked what I knew about Rocket League since I didn’t tweet about the game. They later on messaged me to say they were sorry they doubted me and that they thought I was doing a great job; that it was clear I had put in the work.

Stuff like that really resonates with me. I wouldn’t venture into a different community lightly. Games, their competitive scenes, and their communities can be important parts of people’s lives and they are right to want to protect that and see it respected. A principle I have, which has definitely left me in a position where I choose to let some opportunities pass, is that if I can’t do the job I’d expect of someone as a viewer I wouldn’t want to do it.

But I felt like I was capable of being the host for CRL, and I had the support of a lot of people to keep me going if an instance ever came up where I started to doubt that.

All in all, it was an amazing experience for me. On top of the games and the stories that unfolded for the teams, it was a deeply enriching journey into myself and an opportunity to better connect with and understand who that person is. Who I am.

I could see a world where I seek more hosting opportunities. I think as I get more comfortable with the particulars and accepting of who I am, imperfect as that might be, I will continue to improve as a host.

I gave the role everything I had, and I feel I came away a better person for the experience. For that, and for everyone’s kindness and support I will be eternally thankful.

I’d be lying, though, if I didn’t feel a need to recharge. It’s mentally exhausting stuff, ad hoc deep introspection in front of a camera while being a host.