This is something I had planned on doing for a while, but for one reason or another I never sat down and committed the time. It started as me wanting to write about the experience of living in California; of moving across the country and the amount of effort it took to make this an actual thing. Then as the end of the year approached I decided I’d expand it to more an assessment of the year in its entirety. Then the end of the year came and went without me writing a single word.

The act of not writing the review then became a point of shame in my mind. When I’d think of how long it had been since I’ve written anything negative self thoughts about procrastination would mire my thoughts. Then, before long, everything I had or hadn’t yet done became a topic of a trial forever going on in my mind. Am I a good person? Am I doing enough? Am I lazy?

It all becomes exhausting, so I just give up after a while. The fight with my inner thoughts is, as I’ve written before, likely to never end but I hope that someday I can get to a place where they don’t drain me as much as they do.

But anyway.

2018 was a year of great change for me. In all truth, I thought the prospect and possibility of me actually moving to California was farfetched, insanely ambitious, and incredibly unlikely. What would I even do when I was out there? It’d be upending my entire life. Nothing would be the same. I’d be on my own. Arguably the last place I should probably be.

Living alone on the opposite side of the country is a curious test for someone who spends most of their time overthinking and being lost in their mind. It takes a lot of self discipline to be able to be productive and do work when there’s no office for you to go to and no one directly in your face to hold you accountable. Objectively it could be argued that I’m managing all of that well, but there’s always going to be a part of me that nags, saying that I could have done more. That I’m arguably not doing nearly enough.

A lot of the goals I had set for myself in 2018 were accomplished, though. I was able to cast at the pro level. I did, in fact, move to California. I had hoped to cast Blizzcon, but that wasn’t to be. With no shortage of trepidation, I thought on the possibility of my becoming a professional caster in the HGC. It feels weird to even type that out, knowing that at some point someone might read it. Someone might know that I wanted to go for something, and they’d know I’d known failure if it didn’t happen. That’s the general thought process that goes into my being so private and reserved. I’m not standoffish. I’m insecure.

But anyway, different signs suggested I could have a proverbial seat at that table only to find out that the whole house was being demolished. A lot of people asked me how I felt with regards to the end of HGC. Perhaps they also felt I would have been brought on to the HGC. Some said as much. My first thought is of the players and people who relied financially on the HGC. I’ll always feel they deserved better treatment. That their efforts, commitment, and sacrificed should have been better cherished and respected. That would be a different post entirely, though.

It’s hard for me to mourn the concept of something that was only ever an ambitious hypothetical. My humility and ‘standoffishness’ makes it really hard for me to express how I feel about it. Even with myself. In 2018, almost all of the goals I’ve ever had for myself with casting were met. I proved to myself that I could cast at the pro level and be good at it. I didn’t need to prove it to anyone else, and I didn’t necessarily need to keep doing it. Accomplishing that put something of a finality to casting as much as it made for a new beginning.

While casting has always been about self expression and having fun, the drive to prove something to myself was no longer there. However large a percentage of the effort I put into casting that was, that could all be put into just raw enjoyment.

2018 has also become a year where I’ve found it strangely difficult to really talk about my feelings. It’s a part of why I haven’t written a blog post in a long time. At first I just thought it was me adjusting to the new status quo of living in California, but maybe there’s something more.

In a further concession to the idea that I can’t fix all of my problems on my own, I’ve started going to a therapist who was quick to discern that I am too hard on myself, too emotionally restrictive, and socially withdrawn. Therapy has certainly helped me deal with some things. Or at the very least to better understand them. I don’t know how much longer I’ll keep going, though. I wanted a roadmap that would get me where I wanted to go and I feel I’ve gotten that. Anything else would feel like my therapist is doing the work for me.

One of the reasons I wanted to move was to take myself out of my comfort zone. It was a big part in my development when I moved to Virginia. It only seemed logical that I’d get the same benefit in moving here. I could weigh and measure myself, see what changes I wanted and needed to make. I’ve done that, but in doing so light has been cast on what might be the biggest challenge I’ll ever face.

The ability to change my habits.

I’ve started and stopped so many initiatives over the course of my life that I’ve lost count. Every time I tell myself, ‘This will be the time when changes I make will stick’ there’s a part of my mind that’s confident that effort is only temporary. It just takes one bad day, or one hiccup to throw off a rhythm and I find myself back in lazy patterns doing just enough to get by.

And I hate that. I hate that about myself. The things I want to change would leave me spending less time on ‘fun’ and entertaining things and more on things more accurately described as hard work. Consistent work. Not ‘fun’. My mind will tell me that I’ve worked really hard to get to where I’m at. Don’t I deserve to enjoy the fruits of my labor? Sure, but if I do that then I’ll always be where I’m at right now. And I want more than that. Don’t I?

My mind lately has felt as frayed and all over the place as this blog post. I need to construct a pattern of logic that will get me on track to accomplish the things I want in life. I guess I just have to be patient with myself. It takes a while to learn how to ride a bike. Rome wasn’t built in a day. That sort of thing.

I have a plan to accomplish the things I want this year. I just have to actually do it. That’s the hard part. It’s always been the hard part, and it likely will always be the hard part.