I think, from now on, when I fly I will ask for the window seat.

Today has been something of an emotionally charged day. I was set to go to the National Championship for Heroes of the Dorm. That, in and of itself, was something of a surprising turn of events. When I was originally slated to take part in this year’s competition, I was to cast to the round of 16 and then head back home. So it’s something of a prideful point for Blizzard to think enough of my efforts to want to bring me to Vegas, to see this whole thing through.

People in the community were excited that I was going. Some people even said they were making the trip to Vegas specifically to meet me. How crazy is that? To say I feel honored would be a profound understatement.

Due to weather issues in Atlanta, my flights to Las Vegas were canceled. My heart sank, standing there in the check-in line at the airport and being told that the next available flight was Sunday night. That there was nothing that could be done. I wasn’t going to Las Vegas. I wasn’t going to the finals.

It felt like a cosmic joke of sorts. I, someone who struggles with feeling like they belong anywhere, am excited to see people in a community that’s embraced me and am ready to power through the notion of social exhaustion to enjoy being in people’s company only to learn that it wasn’t to be.

It felt ironic, as far as karma goes. Yesterday when I bought Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild and traded in my Wii U and 3DS there was a kid behind me that asked the person working at the store if there was still a copy of Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe. He said he had gone there before, but it was $20 and was too expensive. He even knew what drawer the disc was in.

When the person working at the store asked what I wanted to do with the leftover money from my trade, I told him I wanted to buy that game for that kid. Mario, the kid’s name I learned after, looked at my like I had six heads. It didn’t seem like he was used to people doing things like that for him, or at all. I had a mind to ask how he was doing in school, and to give something of an after school special speech about how hard work brings a lot of good fortune, and it feels good to pass that on to others. That maybe he could buy some kid a game someday. But I didn’t. He asked to shake my hand, so I did. And I left.

I still don’t know exactly why I bought that game for that kid, but it certainly wasn’t to reap any sort of karma for myself. And yet it did sting a little to feel that in the grand scheme of things I was ultimately stepping out of that check-in lane and into a cab back home.

I took responsibility, trying to reason and search on where I went wrong. Choosing that flight, not asking for a non-stop. Not being more diligent about making sure the flight was good to go. Not checking the weather to see this coming. What could I have done differently? I felt like I was being let down and like I had failed at the same time.

I reached out to different people at Blizzard, and what felt to me like a massive undertaking went underway. They sought to get me another flight to Vegas. I had the distinct privilege of being a part of the production at the Heroes of the Dorm finals. I told them it didn’t look like I was going to be able to make it, unfortunately. And even they were making efforts to try to get me out to Vegas. They asked for updates. Asked if there was anything they could do to help. Offered true empathy.

People in the community expressed their hope that I’d be able to go.

And it was for me.

Me.

I don’t know. Maybe people just felt like they were doing their job, and maybe people were just saying they hoped I made it to be nice. But sitting on this plane now makes me feel skeptical of that. Today, I felt like people went through a lot of effort on my behalf. That’s not something that ever really happens for me. I try to be as independent as possible, in large part because I hate feeling like anyone’s going out of their way for me. Insecurity and issues of self worth bubbling up some my subconscious and into action.

I needed help today. And support. I got both in ways I didn’t think were possible.

While I wish it didn’t come at the cost of people going out of their way for me, I feel karma has given me a far greater reward in this experience than simply just waking up and getting on a flight. People care, and I wouldn’t be on my way to Vegas feeling so welcomed and connected if they didn’t.

As I waited for my first flight, I got the notion to walk up to the counter and ask for a window seat. I always want the window seat. Seeing the world so small is akin to going to the beach and looking out at the ocean. Seeing so many buildings and dots of cars and lights turn on as the sun the plane chases goes I am simultaneously reminded of the importance and insignificance of my life. Its preciousness and its frivolity. Somewhere in the middle, it’s up to me to make the most of my life. It’s not something to take for granted.

I normally would not ask for the window seat. Like all the times where I want something and cave in to insecurity, choosing not to pursue, I felt this would be another instance where I had a middle seat and looked over at the window, feeling sorry that I didn’t at least try.

But if so many people were so willing to go out of their way on my behalf, people I greatly respect, aren’t I enough of a person that deserves to at least ask for something I wanted? So I set my jaw, stepped forward, got the agent’s attention, and asked if they had any window seats available.

“You’re in luck,” she said.

She has no idea how lucky I am, or how lucky I feel.

I think, from now on, when I fly I will ask for the window seat.