A common observation I’ve heard about myself is that I can get lost in my own mind. That I get into my own head, and stay there. For too long. And that I need to return to the world more often.

It’s not something I think will ever change about me entirely, and that the task set before me is less about ridding myself of that habit but understanding it enough to not serve as a hindrance to my ultimate ambitions.

My time so far in California has been a pretty interesting take on that observation.

I haven’t written in my blog since the beginning of the year, when I spend a good bit of time reflecting on 2016. It hasn’t been for a lack of thought, events, or shifts in mindset. I just… Haven’t written. I think I’ve gotten too far into my own head again, and that I’ve forgotten what I started this blog for and what it’s come to represent for me. As more people have, over time, read posts here and have been kind enough to say they can relate to what I’ve written I’ve felt it take on something of a different life. And it’s made me feel more selective about what to put in here.

I should change that.

The very nature of this blog was to be an open book, and as more people potentially start to look at it I should not shy away from it’s meant to me. I am a recluse in more ways than one, particularly when it comes to emotions. Writing in this blog has been how I’ve chipped away at that, and it’s helped. I want it to continue helping me, and potentially help others. So as self-conscious as I can be about writing here sometimes, I should feel all the more committed to jotting down my thoughts.

My time in California has been life changing. I started casting as another means of opening up. To find out what it meant to ‘be myself’ and reconnect with that kind of carefree, unscripted, unfiltered aspect of what makes me me. To think that in response a community has come to enjoy my natural expression, and that because of it I’ve gotten a chance like this is and forever will be mind blowing.

As amazing as the experience has been, and as much as I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, it has come at a cost.

It is a tall order, for me, to be asked to step outside of my routine and effectively put my life on hold for 6 and a half weeks. What has always been a natural expression of myself at a rate and quantity of my choosing has now been invested in a business sense, and that’s not something I want to fall short of or let down. So there’s an added pressure to ‘perform’, when casting has been anything but a performance for me.

It’s been interesting in that I’ve actually found an appreciation for my ‘day job’ out of this. I would jump at the chance of making a living by casting or doing something along those lines, but for my normal job I can put some music on, tune out the world, and just complete tasks assigned to me. It’s like meditation in some ways. There’s no ‘pressure’ to be me. Just to get a job done. The way I cast requires me to open myself up to an audience in a way a normal job doesn’t. It’s something to think about, for me.

That contrast is not something that would have me shy away from more actively pursuing a career in front of a camera, but it’s something that this experience has given me insight to that I didn’t have otherwise. I’m glad to have that insight now.

The world around me here feels like an invisible mirror. I guess reading that sentence back makes it sound like a pretty dumb observation, or even nonsensical but I swear there’s a logic to it.

This may as well be Mars. I’ve said as much before I could announce where I was going or why. I’d say I was getting ready for my trip to Mars. When you are removed from everything that you know and everything that’s comfortable for you, the challenges and nuances of the new environment makes the equation to distill what makes you you that much easier.

Stepping onto that stage the first night after rehearsals and hearing the producer say, “Queue,” and knowing that we were live and that I had to be ready to host was the moment I realized I was away from everything I knew and the only thing that was consistent was what I brought here. Me. There was no misconception. The world, at the moment, served as a mirror to where I could, effectively, see myself for what I was. And what I wasn’t.

Since that realization, it’s been difficult to see every other experience and interaction I’ve had here any differently. You learn about yourself when you venture outside of your comfort zone, in short.

And I’ve been learning a lot.

Casting has always been, in a lot of ways, a selfish endeavor. It’s my way of putting myself out there into the world, and this is the biggest avenue I’ve had the chance to do that by far. It can leave me feeling raw sometimes, the amount of myself I’ve had to ‘put out there’ since I’ve been here. I’ve made friends, acquaintances, and formed bonds with colleagues in a way that feels very uncomfortable for me. When I go into a new environment, I am very quiet and observant at first. Then I start to branch out.

I am fortunate enough to have been lucky to have folks who have been very accommodating and accepting of my quirks. I feel right at home on stage now, and I honestly didn’t think I’d feel that way so soon. So, to anyone that’s been a part of that, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

This experience so far has been bittersweet in that I know it will eventually end. But I will be glad to get back to my routine and my cats. To get back to what I know. But by then I’ll have gotten to know this as well. This will have become my routine. And then maybe home won’t feel so much like home anymore.

And I’ll just be stuck in some kind of weird limbo. I don’t know.

In coming here, I’ve learned more about what areas of my life I am happy with and what areas I would like to expand on or work on. Some of those realizations have been bitter pills to swallow, but all of them have been necessary if I’m to take steps toward being the best me I can be.

It can be lonely sometimes. And at the same time the isolation can be absolutely enthralling.

Maybe someone will read this and think that I’m not enjoying my time here or that I wouldn’t want to do something like this again. To that, I’d say I am overall very much loving my stay in California and the reasons why I am here. It is truly a blessing and it’s been amazing.

I just try to take my life’s experiences and ‘get’ something from them. An experience like this is monumental on that front, and it’s given me a lot about myself to process.

There are parts of me I’d like to embrace, some I’d like to work on, and some I’m best served letting go.

If there was one thing to take away from this it’s that there are more layers to me than what is seen of me when I cast, yet at the same time when I am casting it’s 100% me to the best of my ability to express myself.

I will forever be under development, and that’s not something to feel bad about.