I went out to happy hour tonight. A coworker asked if I wanted to go, and initially I had grand designs of going home, faceplanting, or working on some web development stuff. Ultimately, I decided to go. I can be something of a recluse or a hermit, and I would like to get out of the house more, so. Why not?

And I had a good time. I decided to head back before too long. I wanted to make sure I had some time to decompress and relax before the games I had to cast tonight. I had time to take a bit of a walk back to the office to get Mary Jane.

Today was, in a word, perfect in terms of weather. The morning air was cool, crisp, promising. A hint of a breeze reminded me of Tampa. I imagine this morning is what it feels like there in the winter. Must be nice.

Another relatively restless night educated me in the habits of some of the local birds around here. 3 in the morning is pretty damn early to start chirping, but there they were in the dead of night well into the morning as I tracked across the street to my car.

But anyway. The weather was pretty nice, so I decided to walk back. Nearing my office, I had to cross the street. There was about 7 seconds left on the crosswalk signal, and a car was waiting for a couple ahead of me to walk across the street before taking the turn. The light turned yellow. 5 seconds left, and the space between 5 to 4 felt like an eternity.

Throughout my life, I’ve consistently felt a need to be passive, timid even. Not make any waves. When I’m a guest at someone’s house, I wanted to make sure I didn’t get in the way or that I was more or less invisible. I’m ultra-conservative in the capacity of expressing romantic interest, dreading the idea of being too forward or making someone uncomfortable.

I stopped at the corner. I had more than enough time to walk across the street, but my initial thought was, “Well. I don’t want to hold whoever’s in that car up. I can just wait.”

I felt very small in that moment. At what point in my life did I allow the default thought be a notion that my time and place in the world is automatically less valuable than someone else’s?

In that single second, I thought back on all the times I held my tongue, chose not to stick up for myself, chose not to walk away from a situation I didn’t like, where I willfully made myself the expense of someone else’s benefit, and where I did not assert myself.

And I said to myself, “Fuck that.”

I walked my ass across that street, and I didn’t give a damn whether that car had to wait an extra second or not. I have just as much a place in this world as anyone else, and if I don’t value that then no one else will be particularly inspired to.

I’m just sick of being timid. Sick of shying away from compliments, from feeling good about accomplishments. I’m sick of withholding my feelings, and acting like I need to frame myself in such a way to be accepted in some way.

I get so nervous talking about my feelings. About what’s on my mind, and about what’s important to me. It can be extremely uncomfortable to put myself first in the presence of other people, and all it ever leads to is some kind of reservation or regret.

I know objectively I could have saved myself from a ton of emotional stress and heartache if I just asserted myself, but it’s hard for me. Maybe it’s from not having the highest self esteem ever growing up, but whatever it is, it’s a weight on my chest that I’ve gotten tired of carrying.

I’ve had two separate ideas for blog posts to write here over the past week, but I opted not to because I started to wonder what people would think about it, if they decided to read it.

Fuck that.

I, so often, relegate myself to the nice guy that finishes last because I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes or make waves. I make myself uncomfortable in the pursuit of not making anyone else uncomfortable.

Why?

Why do I do that? Why is that my job? It’s not. I’d rather be myself and not fit into places if it meant the places I did fit in were where I was at my most natural. I think that’s what I deserve. I know it is.

I’m going to write about those other two ideas when I have the time. I started this blog to expand and grow. I’m not about to change that now.