I’ll never forget it.

I was in middle school, sixth grade I’m pretty sure. I want to say that was it because of the social uncertainty I felt. At that time, I was leaving elementary school and going to Orchard Valley Middle School. It was close enough that I could walk to school, so there was that much but I felt uneasy about having to go to different classrooms, meeting new people, going into some unknown environment.

I wanted to get away from it all. Be somebody else. I remembered using a hall pass every now and again to get out of my seat and enjoy some time to myself. The school was a pretty much a long rectangular with two floors, and a long hallway splitting the classrooms.

I remember dragging my fingers along the lockers, looking down at a corridor that seemingly went on forever. I’d daydream being like Sonic the Hedgehog of all things, that I could run fast enough to run along the walls themselves, jump through the window at the end of the hallway, and run away from all the anxiety I felt about being in a new environment. But, sooner or later I had to go back to class and stall my imagination while I watched other kids form social cliques and friendships.

I had some friends too, but it just never felt like I fit in anywhere. I wanted to get away.

I’d dream about becoming the Scarlet Spider when I grew up. He was the clone of Peter Parker, and he wore a costume I thought was so cool. I’d close my eyes and imagine what it felt like to swing from one street lamp to another. The momentum, the rush of wind, detaching from a web at the height an arc just long enough to float freely before the Earth pulled me back to the ground. Back to a reality I wanted to escape from.

Looking back, I’m somewhat surprised I didn’t also fit in what it’d be like to be some kind of vigilante in with the loftiness of acrobatics above the streets of New York City. Getting beat up, risking your life on a consistent basis for strangers who may not even appreciate it. The thoughts I have from that time feel so nostalgic, and yet comforting.

For me to not have thought about the brutal reality of what it’d take to actually become a superhero meant that as some point I really was a kid. That I didn’t have this hyper analytical sense of perception. Something about that is a comfort to me.

It may surprise someone to learn that I did not end up becoming a crime fighting vigilante, but I do remember cutting up this blue turtleneck after my sister fell asleep one night and fitted it over this oversized red long sleeve shirt. My very first superhero costume. I don’t think my mom ever found out about me doing that, but I kept that bootleg costume for a long time, long after I was old enough to give up the idea of becoming a wall crawler.

I find myself reconnecting and identifying with that kid, so enamored and mesmerized by the positive aspects of a goal that the reasons to think it’s crazy don’t matter. As misguided as it was, there was a lot of bravery and determination in that kid.

Maybe that bravery stemmed from just wanting to get away from everything, and maybe he was afraid of ridicule if he shared this dream with anyone at the time, but in his heart that kid dared to dream of something more for himself someday. He hoped.

And that’s a concept I’ve been reconnecting with lately. I have hopes, goals, and ambitions. Maybe I’ve always had them, but I feel like they’re more poignant and meaningful to me now.

Pairing all of that with a renewed sense of confidence and assurance I think I’ll be swinging through the air soon enough.

Thanks for reminding what it’s like to dream, kid. We haven’t talked in a long time, and that’s on me. Thanks for sticking around. Let’s hang out sometime. There’s probably plenty more I could still learn from you. But, if I could tell you anything, I’d say that it’s going to get better. And you don’t have it nearly as bad as you think.

What you go through makes you stronger, and no one deserves to take your happiness and self-confidence away. Don’t give anyone that kind of power. It’s a choice you make.

And keep your Nintendo.