I had something of a revelatory experience this week. I bought a book, which focuses in a very down to Earth way on how to shift your perspective on the world and find more positivity in the universe. I was skeptical at first, but after reading its suggestion to meditate and focus on drawing positive energy toward me I thought the worst that could happen is nothing.
After my first attempt, I did feel much more relax and in tune with things, for lack of better phrasing. Much more centered and calm. That’s not exactly a common occurrence for me. The second time I tried, however, was something of a trip.
It was nearly 3am. I had work in the morning and it was at best irresponsible to be up that late, yet there I was. Before trying to get some sleep, I thought to establish another connection with the universe. I stand in my room, turn off the lights, focus on my breathing, and picture distant cosmos, hurtling through them at the speed of light toward some means of spiritual understanding. I ask for positive energy, and in no less than 30 seconds I receive a text from my mom, telling me she loves me.
My mom never sends texts at this hour. I call her immediately, asking why she sent the message. She told me that God just encouraged her to. That she felt a need to.
It’s hard to chalk a thing like that up to coincidence. I called the universe, and she answered.
I’ve done my best to shift my attitude and way of thinking, and positive things continue to roll my way. It’s freeing, venturing forward with confidence and belief in yourself. And daunting. I’ve lived the majority of my life struggling with depression, self doubt, and certainty of my own inadequacy. But why can’t I have the things I want out of life?
My first real test to this change in posture has presented itself, and the challenge is by no means small. I feel a part of me wanting to return to the comfort of self loathing, but I want more for myself than that.
I was hanging out with a friend tonight, and initially I was going to crash there but I couldn’t sleep. I was going to head home but something told me to go to a park I frequent when my heart is heavy or my soul aches. I’ve gone here on occasion since I moved here. It’s been there for me at various stages, highs and lows. It was as though the universe itself called me here. I can’t explain it. But it was kind enough to pick up the phone for me, so here I am to return the favor.
4:30 in the morning, sitting on a picnic table in a park, looking up at the half moon while the world sleeps. I feel like the universe is asking me to stay the course. To have faith in the unseen and to not relinquish the confidence I’ve enjoyed just yet. Maybe I’ll stay here till sun up.
It’s not like there’s a lack of things to mull over.
