Without any real studying or research past my own life experiences and what I might have gleaned from the internet, I think that human beings are by nature social creatures. Even the most introverted of people strive for some form of interaction with other people, however brief. On the surface, I think that people are more in love with the outside perception of themselves than who they really are underneath.

And I think we all feel a need to belong somewhere.

For pretty much the entirety of my life I have felt like I don’t fit in. The best way I’ve ever been able to describe it is that I feel like a special guest star on a sitcom. Sure, people may like me being around and may even outwardly say they want me to be around, but there isn’t a true place for me. I show up for a few episodes a season, but I never am a part of the main cast.

There are moments like now where I look around and it feels like I’ve lost at musical chairs. I don’t have a place to sit. Everyone else does, and are off doing their own thing and living their lives. And I’m just here. On an island. Alone.

In the past while, I have been trying really hard to find validation and acceptance in myself. And in a lot of ways I am proud of the progress I’ve made on that front. Still, though. There’s this nagging feel that it’s just my lot in life to end up alone. That my principles or ideals effectively equate to dividing by zero, and that I will never have all of the things I want in the way that I want them.

I wonder, sometimes, if other people out there that I might perceive on the surface as being happy, feels like I do. Like maybe I’m not crazy. Maybe other people I know are dealing with similar feelings. But probably not.

It’s made me think a lot about family. Some people may be able to escape this sense of loneliness in knowing that there are people out there that are your flesh and blood. In some ways, those people are obligated to be there for and with you to remind you that it’s not just you on your own on the planet. That you’re a part of something, somewhere. As great as my family is, I don’t know if I’ve ever truly embraced them in that way. I don’t know if I’ve ever truly embraced anyone in that way. And I don’t know if anyone would ever want to embrace me in that way.

I thanked my sister yesterday. We went out for pizza. Just kinda hung out and talked. It was the closest I’ve come to actually talking about my feelings in a while. Perhaps a long while.

Sometimes, I feel like I have progressed miles. In others, I feel like I’ve only progressed inches, or even have fallen back.

I wonder if it’s possible to truly have all of the things you want in life and to be happy. I’m trying to embrace the proverbial struggle of how I’m feeling in hopes that down the road I can look back and appreciate the better times that much more.

But sometimes I worry that those better times will never come, and that there will always been this hollow feeling inside where I feel like I could disappear and people would not care.

I’ve set myself down a path of loneliness, knowing what it would do to me. The gamble was that in the long run it’d leave me in a better place.

There can’t be ups without downs. Light without dark. Good without bad. It’s the balance between that’s important. But man am I tired of feeling down.