The mind, at least mine, is a complex maze and puzzle simultaneously where as I start to make sense of one part I\u2019m left with the realization that said understanding makes me aware that the maze is much larger and the puzzle much more difficult than I initially thought.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been sitting on a lot of thoughts over the past few days. Part of me has ached to express them somewhere, and what better place than this blog? And yet\u2026 Part of me\u00a0worries that I may not like what I write here says about me, and the progress I\u2019ve endeavored to make.<\/p>\n
At the top of the year, I made a decision to try and make changes in my life. To sort myself out in a way I hadn\u2019t before, and to really try to better myself. Here we are, three quarters into that initiative and I find myself trying to gauge my progress on that front.<\/p>\n
I guess the jury\u2019s out.<\/p>\n
I know, for a fact, that I have grown in some pretty important areas. And I\u2019m proud of that. Extremely. I find myself to be a more confident, outgoing, and expressive person. In part thanks to the people I\u2019ve met this year and inward strides I\u2019ve made to slay the near-constant\u00a0notions of doubt and self deprecation.<\/p>\n
A book I\u2019ve read (thanks again Laura if you ever read this) gave me a lot of insight into\u00a0tackling the way my mind works. I think for\u00a0large parts of my life I\u2019ve tried my best to hide away emotions, to have an escape hatch of some sorts. Keep everyone at arm\u2019s length. To never really,\u00a0really<\/strong> try for something for fear of being mocked, ridiculed, or saddled with the public and broadcasted failure of my attempts at anything.<\/p>\n It made me a pedestrian in my own life.<\/p>\n Have I sorted out all of those feelings? I don\u2019t think so, but I manage them far better than I ever have before. And the daring leaps I\u2019ve taken have netted some interesting returns. Not all of them good, but all of them leading me down the path of being more of the person I aspire to be.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a bittersweet nature to the last revelation, though. A strategy I\u2019ve tried of late is to apply my analytical mind to my emotions; to workshop and source the reasons why I feel the things I\u2019m not a fan of. To use that locked-on sense of curiosity to understand the\u00a0thoughts I struggle with. To understand them. Maybe even do away with them.<\/p>\n I think my relationship with my emotions has just gotten past the honeymoon phase. What I mean by that is this. A year ago, if something happened that\u2019d upset me I\u2019d be upset. Today,\u00a0through a similar progression my response was different. I found the progression to be upsetting, but I myself wasn\u2019t quite upset.<\/p>\n Part of me was, but that\u2019s the bittersweet part of this whole journey. I\u2019ve come to realize that even if I completely manage to master my emotions while also being open with them, I\u2019m always going to feel them to some extent.<\/p>\n So if I ever feel a sense of jealousy, anger, resentment, or any other range of emotions I may be able to sort things out. I may be able to understand why I came to feel that way, and be in control of myself to\u00a0respond in a way\u00a0I<\/strong> want to; where I\u2019m not ruled by my emotions.<\/p>\n But I\u2019ll still feel them.<\/p>\n They don\u2019t just go away.<\/p>\n They never will, and I can\u2019t allow them to if I\u2019m to connect with myself in the way that I want. I suppose it\u2019s the last truly naive thing I\u2019ve ever thought was that at the end of this journey, once the sunrise came I would just have some kind of off switch to the feelings I don\u2019t want to struggle with. And to an extent, I think I will. But not in\u00a0the cinematic sense where it\u2019s happily ever after. It\u2019s more arming myself with the tools to continue to be true to myself in spite of those feelings, to shoulder them as I always had but not let them take the wheel.<\/p>\n That fight will never be over.<\/p>\n And it never can be, if I\u2019m to enjoy the positive end of this journey. I\u2019ve run from my feelings, from myself for so long. I\u2019ve tried to hide away my truest thoughts, ambitions,\u00a0and hopes. The fear of failure and rejection has had such a hold on me that I resolved to just never really trying. At least then, I could enjoy` the hypothetical.<\/p>\n That\u2019s a hollow existence I just cannot accept for myself anymore.<\/p>\n And that\u2019s not a new declaration. It\u2019s one I said to myself back in January. I just have a much more robust and internalized understanding of the idea.<\/p>\n I guess it speaks to the true nature of happiness, at least as I\u2019m beginning to interpret it. It\u2019s not about climbing a valley and staying on a plateau for good. It\u2019s about finding contentment and stability as you navigate the inevitable hills and valleys. To stay grounded when my head could easily be in the cloud, but also not bury myself at the base of the valleys and obstacles.<\/p>\n That\u2019s the bittersweet part. That\u2019s the rub. Is that a depressing realization to make? Is that the actual truth? Or is this some sort of way for me to allow myself to settle? I don\u2019t think it\u2019s depressing. It\u2019s realistic.<\/p>\n Life is going to hit. Nothing\u2019s going to change that. And life presents itself in\u00a0myriad of forms. But how you let it affect you and how you respond is how you find happiness. There becomes this part of you that is impregnable. It will always be there, no matter what life throws at it; good or bad. And it\u2019s who you are, and the peace you\u2019ve made with and the appreciation for your life.<\/p>\n Growing that bad boy\u2019s the key. I think.<\/p>\n It\u2019s teeny. It\u2019s tiny. But it\u2019s there. Hey, little guy. I\u2019m Albert, and I like to think I\u2019m a pretty neat person. Tell me about yourself.<\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The mind, at least mine, is a complex maze and puzzle simultaneously where as I start to make sense of one part I\u2019m left with the realization that said understanding makes me aware that the maze is much larger and the puzzle much more difficult than I initially thought. I\u2019ve been sitting on a lot … Continue reading A Review<\/span>