I was surprised the other day. A friend of mine\u00a0casually mentioned to me that they read my blog. This isn\u2019t someone I had really expected to, but I suppose I don\u2019t really expect anyone to. I started this as a means to work on my ability to express and process emotions, which is what I told this friend somewhat nervously in response.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s an unusual sense of vulnerability when you venture\u00a0back to the days of MySpace and quasi-emo online journal writing and someone actually reads it. Mind you, I don\u2019t feel that\u00a0this blog is some attempt to be emo, and to anyone that does I\u2019d assure them of the contrary.<\/p>\n
But it did make me think.<\/p>\n
My friend told me that\u00a0they didn\u2019t realize I was that deep. While I do consider myself something of an old soul, I think what I took away from the comment is an interesting thought on people as a whole.<\/p>\n
We meet people in specific contexts. We meet only one facet of who they are. Everyone, to an extent, has\u00a0a guard up. Only when those layers are peeled back do you really see into what makes them tick. My innermost thoughts and feelings may as well be locked away in a vault forever when it comes to talking to anyone directly, but in truth they\u2019re only a GET request or two away.<\/p>\n
Vulnerable.<\/p>\n
But there\u2019s something cathartic in this for me. I\u2019ve been surprised and humbled at the times someone, even someone who I\u2019ve never directly talked to before, reaches out to me unsolicited and says they read my writing and it resonated with them in some way. I\u2019ve made a few friends like that.<\/p>\n
I wonder if all of us are \u2018deep\u2019. Old souls with thoughts and emotions held within or suppressed in exchange for something more easily understood.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know. It was just an interesting revelation for me.<\/p>\n
Another revelation I stumbled across in the past few days was after assessing how I\u2019ve been feeling lately. It\u2019s not something I openly advertise, but depression is something I\u2019ve dealt with for pretty much my entire life. The best\u00a0way I could think to describe it is imagine having someone standing behind you, making commentary on your every thought and action about how whatever you try will fail, or how no one likes you, or insert comment here about how much you suck or something like that. And they\u2019re just there. Almost always.<\/p>\n
You know what it is. You understand that it\u2019s not \u2018real\u2019 and that you objectively have merits, but after a while it just wears you down.\u00a0The mental energy spent telling that voice to shut up leaves you ill prepared for other unfortunate turns, so when that proverbial dam breaks the impact is all the more resonating.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not particularly fun.<\/p>\n
I think it\u2019s what makes me such an introspective person. I contend with thoughts like these, reason my way around them, and it forces me to really process myself and the world around in a way other people probably don\u2019t have to. In that, I\u2019m almost thankful because I don\u2019t think I\u2019d be the person I am today without having to work through that so often.<\/p>\n
But anyway. If someone was asking me how I was feeling right now, I\u2019d say I was inconclusive. Perspective depending, things are really great for me right now or subjectively unfortunate. And with a second opinion like depression constantly wanting to throw its two cents in finding an objective viewpoint can be difficult.<\/p>\n
I wouldn\u2019t say I was happy, or sad. And yet I\u2019m not indifferent or void emotion either. My mind\u2019s gone in a circle of logic that\u2019s kinda lead me to a place where I am ultimately thankful, if a bit lost.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s a good chance I\u2019m not explaining any of this well, and that\u2019s the other point of this blog. If I can build up experience in talking about my feelings through this, then I only stand to become better at it down the line somewhere.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s a frustrating sense of separation when you have feelings and thoughts in your head, but you find yourself unable to really express them. It\u2019s like trying to communicate to someone in a different language. It can be alienating, and it leaves you with a sense of loneliness.<\/p>\n
Social interaction, feelings, and depression will likely always be things I struggle with in some capacity. And I\u2019m okay with that.\u00a0But I\u2019m committed to continuing to try, in spite of whatever rejection or road blocks I run into. Or the mistakes I make, which I\u2019m sure my depression will have a thing or two to say about.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d go into how my depression\u2019s turned me into a perfectionist, but this would be\u00a0much longer than the novella it is. Maybe another time.<\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I was surprised the other day. A friend of mine\u00a0casually mentioned to me that they read my blog. This isn\u2019t someone I had really expected to, but I suppose I don\u2019t really expect anyone to. I started this as a means to work on my ability to express and process emotions, which is what I … Continue reading Inconclusive<\/span>