I\u2019ll never forget it.<\/p>\n
I was in middle school,\u00a0sixth grade I\u2019m pretty sure. I want to say that was it because of the social uncertainty I felt. At that time, I was leaving elementary school and going to Orchard Valley Middle School. It was close enough that I could walk to school, so there was that much but I felt uneasy about having to go to different classrooms, meeting new people, going into some unknown environment.<\/p>\n
I wanted to get away from it all. Be somebody else. I remembered using a hall pass every now and again to get out of\u00a0my seat and enjoy some time to myself. The\u00a0school was a pretty much a long rectangular with two floors, and a long hallway splitting the classrooms.<\/p>\n
I remember dragging my fingers along the lockers, looking down at a corridor that seemingly went on forever. I\u2019d daydream being like\u00a0Sonic the Hedgehog of all things, that I could run fast enough to run along the walls themselves, jump through the window at the end of the hallway, and run away from all the anxiety I felt about being in a new environment. But, sooner or later I had to go back to class\u00a0and stall my imagination while I watched other kids form social cliques and friendships.<\/p>\n
I had some friends too, but it just never felt like I fit in anywhere. I wanted to get away.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d dream about becoming\u00a0the Scarlet Spider when I grew up.\u00a0He was the clone of Peter Parker, and he wore a costume I thought was so cool. I\u2019d close my eyes and imagine what it felt like to swing from one street lamp to another. The momentum, the rush of wind, detaching from a web at the height an arc just long enough to float freely before the Earth pulled me back to the ground. Back to a reality I wanted to escape from.<\/p>\n
Looking back, I\u2019m somewhat surprised I didn\u2019t also fit in what it\u2019d be like to be some kind of vigilante in with the loftiness of acrobatics above the streets of New York City. Getting beat up, risking your life on a consistent basis for strangers who may not even appreciate it. The thoughts I have from that time feel so nostalgic, and yet comforting.<\/p>\n
For me to not have thought about the brutal reality of what it\u2019d take to actually become a superhero meant that as some point I really was a kid. That I didn\u2019t have this hyper analytical sense of perception. Something about that is a comfort to me.<\/p>\n
It may surprise someone to learn that I did not end up becoming a crime fighting vigilante, but I do remember cutting up this blue turtleneck after my sister fell asleep one night and fitted it over this oversized red long sleeve shirt. My very first superhero costume. I don\u2019t think my mom ever found out about me doing that, but I kept that bootleg costume for a long time, long after I was old enough to give up the idea of becoming a wall crawler.<\/p>\n
I find myself reconnecting and identifying with that kid, so enamored and mesmerized by the positive aspects of a goal that the reasons to think it\u2019s crazy don\u2019t matter. As misguided as it was, there was a lot of bravery and determination in that kid.<\/p>\n
Maybe that bravery stemmed from just wanting to get away from everything, and maybe he was afraid of ridicule if he shared this dream with anyone at the time, but in his heart that kid dared to dream of something more for himself someday. He hoped.<\/p>\n
And that\u2019s a concept I\u2019ve been reconnecting with lately. I have hopes, goals, and ambitions. Maybe\u00a0I\u2019ve always had them, but I feel like they\u2019re more poignant and meaningful to me now.<\/p>\n
Pairing all of that with a renewed sense of confidence and assurance I think I\u2019ll be swinging through the air soon enough.<\/p>\n
Thanks for reminding what it\u2019s like to dream, kid. We haven\u2019t talked in a long time, and that\u2019s on me.\u00a0Thanks for sticking around. Let\u2019s hang out sometime. There\u2019s probably plenty more I could still learn from you. But, if I could tell you anything, I\u2019d say that it\u2019s going to get better. And you don\u2019t have it nearly as bad as you think.<\/p>\n
What you\u00a0go through makes you stronger, and no one deserves to take your happiness and self-confidence away. Don\u2019t\u00a0give anyone that kind of power. It\u2019s a choice you make.<\/p>\n
And keep your Nintendo.<\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ll never forget it. I was in middle school,\u00a0sixth grade I\u2019m pretty sure. I want to say that was it because of the social uncertainty I felt. At that time, I was leaving elementary school and going to Orchard Valley Middle School. It was close enough that I could walk to school, so there was … Continue reading When I Grow Up<\/span>