It\u2019s Sunday night. I\u2019ve spent most of the day sleeping off the residual\u00a0effects of Saturday night. I\u2019m pretty sure I woke up just still drunk and not even hungover, but that\u2019s the price you pay for a good time I suppose.<\/p>\n
I close Twitter, Facebook, and all other avenues to the world. I lower the lights, put on some Jazz, lie down on my couch, look up at the ceiling, and let my mind wander. The windows are slightly open. Though cold, the light breeze reminds me of that sunset on St. Pete Beach, feeling the wind roll off the water as the sun lazily eased past the horizon. Even thinking about it now lights a smile on my smile, and makes my heart skip a little.<\/p>\n
Every time a car drives by, the subtle slosh of rains adds to the overall calm of a constantly tormented mind. Analysis. Always, always analyzing.\u00a0My mind is forever racing. It\u2019s a strength and weakness of mine, but moments like this are sacred. They\u2019re also pretty depressing.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been spending a lot of time lately thinking about what I want out of life. It\u2019s a topic that I find myself drifting back toward often. Maybe we all do. In some ways, we should. Lately, I think something I\u2019ve been looking for and\/or missing is a connection with someone.<\/p>\n
My last relationship was the best one I\u2019ve had in my life, I would say. In terms of the personal and emotional growth I went through during its time, I\u2019m left with little doubt that the experience helped me to evolve into a better person. For the past while, I\u2019ve been more or less fine with being on my own. I\u2019m not so certain that\u2019s the case anymore, though.<\/p>\n
The concept of dating and putting myself out there in that capacity is a daunting task. I\u2019m not the most socially inclined person you\u2019d ever meet, and I am patently awful at reading subtext or levels of interest. I never know when to make the first move, or when to lay cards on the table, or when to give space. I am legitimately bad at dating.<\/p>\n
And rejection hurts.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s an unusual balance that comes out of valuing your opinion of yourself than the estimated opinion others have of you and\u00a0allowing yourself to become vulnerable enough to allow someone else\u2019s opinion of you matter. It can be really difficult for me.<\/p>\n
When I think about the things I want out of life, it can feel somewhat impossible. The odds seem incredibly unlikely that I\u2019d find someone that I was physically attracted to, could connect with emotionally, and have them feel the same way about me. I\u2019m such an odd duck that I\u2019m not sure how compatible I\u2019d even be with most people in that capacity. Sometimes I\u2019m super social. Sometimes I\u2019m an absolute recluse. Sometimes I just want to be close to someone. Sometimes I want to be left to my own devices. And there\u2019s generally no rhyme or reason to any shift in mindset.<\/p>\n
Reading that last paragraph back is somewhat embarrassing. Someone might read this and think I\u2019m batshit crazy. And maybe they\u2019d be right, but I\u2019m not going to delete it. I started this blog to try to explore myself and work on being more open. It\u2019s extremely uncomfortable for me to write about myself, but I think it helps me to learn how to express feelings better.<\/p>\n
But anyway, I think what I\u2019ve come to realize about\u00a0wanting to try for a relationship or putting myself out there like that at all is that\u2026 I\u2019ve sat here for a few minutes, trying to think of the best way to describe it.<\/p>\n
Not everybody\u2019s going to like you, for whatever reason. And that\u2019s okay. Not everybody\u2019s going to respond to you as soon as you\u2019d like, or be as excited to see you as you are to see them, and that\u2019s fine. And feeling rejected can and will more than likely hurt. And that\u2019s okay, too.<\/p>\n
At the end of the day, it doesn\u2019t change who you are, and it shouldn\u2019t change how you feel about yourself. Above all, you can\u2019t settle for less than what you want or less than how you want to be treated.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not all about\u00a0another person accepting or rejecting you. Someone has to bring their A-game to the table as well. They have to wow you, impress you, and make you feel appreciated. You have a lot to offer someone, and it\u2019s okay to feel like you deserve someone that wants to offer you things in return.<\/p>\n
I miss the connection. The hand holding. Feeling like I wasn\u2019t alone in the world. I know that I\u2019m not alone, but there\u2019s a different kind of assurance when you have someone in your life and you\u2019re both in love with each other. I miss having a bond like that, and I want it again someday.<\/p>\n
But I\u2019m not going to sell myself short to get it. Someone should be excited to see me. To spend time with me. To be around me. I guess I\u2019ve just kinda realized that if I do put myself out there, it\u2019s not just a matter or if they are going to like me or not. It\u2019s not entirely up to them. My accepting them is not some forgone conclusion, where I\u2019m effectively assessed and measured. If I don\u2019t like the way someone is making me feel, then that\u2019s meaningful.<\/p>\n
I guess what I\u2019m trying to say is that I\u2019m worth something. It may sound like a cocky or arrogant thing to say, but being with me is a privilege. I\u00a0value myself highly enough to feel that way. Someone should feel lucky to be with me, and I want to feel lucky to be with them.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ll get all of the things I want out of life. I don\u2019t know if I will ever find\u00a0that kind of impossible connection that continues to thrive after decades. I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n
But I never will if I don\u2019t try, or if I let setbacks cause me to withdraw and wither. If I close up in the name of not getting hurt again, I can\u2019t be open to the kind of connection I want. And nobody is worth me doing that to myself. So even if it hurts, I have to keep\u00a0believing in myself and I have to move forward.<\/p>\n
This all probably sounds pretty Hallmark or obvious, but it\u2019s something of a revelation to me. I\u2019ve always been one to just shut down, withdraw, close off, and make sure I didn\u2019t get hurt anymore. But that\u2019s giving people too much power and control over me. The pain that comes from shutting myself off emotionally hurts more than any kind of rejection I\u2019d find out there.<\/p>\n
Win or lose, I am me. And I like to think I\u2019m pretty damn cool. And whoever I\u00a0pursue should think I am, too.<\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It\u2019s Sunday night. I\u2019ve spent most of the day sleeping off the residual\u00a0effects of Saturday night. I\u2019m pretty sure I woke up just still drunk and not even hungover, but that\u2019s the price you pay for a good time I suppose. I close Twitter, Facebook, and all other avenues to the world. I lower the … Continue reading Pursuit of the Impossible<\/span>