It\u2019s about 1:30 in the morning. The gentle and steady sounds of a light rain manages to calm my soul through the open windows. I\u2019m playing Blue In Green by Miles Davis, with only one of the lamps on in my living room. I\u2019m laying on the couch, looking up at the ceiling.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m trying to define what I\u2019m feeling. I mull some thoughts around in my head. There\u2019s a bit of irony in feeling that the only way I could express the conclusion of this soul searching is by typing it here for myself to read back at some point. Maybe someone else will read it too, I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve talked about this before numerous times, even on this blog, but I have trouble feeling like I belong anywhere. I\u2019ve never felt like I was a part of a clique, or that I fit in with any particular social setting. Even my own family sometimes. The world can feel so alien to me, where I\u2019m more just observing other people interact more than being a part of the interaction itself.<\/p>\n
This weekend was my grandfather\u2019s 90th birthday. 9 decades of being on this planet. He\u2019s seen so much. Endured so much. It was good to see him smiling, enjoying the big party my father went through great effort to put together. It wasn\u2019t perfect, but it was with love. I gained a lot of respect for my dad this weekend, and I already respected him plenty.<\/p>\n
There were a lot of profound feelings I had coming out of this weekend. Someday, it\u2019ll be my dad who\u2019s lived a full life and I\u2019ll be trying to make sure he knows how much he\u2019s loved by his family. It\u2019ll be me wanting to buy him little things to take care of him. I wondered if I would either a) live long enough to be that old or b) have any children of my own to give that experience to. Depression has a\u00a0strong way of influencing speculation on those sorts of things, though.<\/p>\n
The drive back from my grandfather\u2019s was a long, arduous process involving traffic and other obstacles. My family stopped off for dinner on the way up. In spite of my dad\u2019s insistence, I paid for everyone. I don\u2019t know. I have difficulty expressing emotions; a trait in the Hailey men I\u2019ve gathered. But I wanted to remind my dad that it\u2019s not on him to put the world on\u00a0his shoulders. And that\u2019s he not alone. I don\u2019t know if I was successful, but I tried.<\/p>\n
I wanted to get out of that car by the 5th hour. I\u2019m a person that recharges by doing his own thing. No matter how much I like someone usually I find myself wanting a break to where I am just left to my own devices. There was a lot of social interaction this weekend, and I was ready to relax. I got home, my parents and sister left, and I felt this awkward sense of loneliness.<\/p>\n
The world, as I knew it, went on in my absence. The people I socialize with and consider friends probably didn\u2019t even notice I was gone. I didn\u2019t have any place I had to be. Nothing I really had to do. I felt this weird contradiction of wanting to be around people but not wanting to be around people at the same time. I think part of me just wanted to sulk.<\/p>\n
But sulk about what? I\u2019m not sure. This weekend reminded me of a comparison I made to someone when I was in high school. I said that\u00a0it feels like every person in the world is red, and I am blue. Only I can see the difference. And it separates me from people. It\u2019s like I read them in a way they don\u2019t read themselves, or I observe and place values on different things socially so I just end up not fitting in. And no one else is blue.<\/p>\n
No one.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s human nature to not want to be entirely alone, but try to imagine the sullen futility in feeling like whatever effort you did make to act on the simplest of human urges would likely be met with some measure of failure.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve tried being a more expressive, open, and vulnerable person. I think I\u2019ve made some pretty big strides on those fronts. But I\u2019m still blue. And the world\u2019s still red. And I still feel alone.<\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It\u2019s about 1:30 in the morning. The gentle and steady sounds of a light rain manages to calm my soul through the open windows. I\u2019m playing Blue In Green by Miles Davis, with only one of the lamps on in my living room. I\u2019m laying on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. I\u2019m trying … Continue reading Venturing Into the Depths<\/span>