Without any real studying or research past my own life experiences and what I might have gleaned from the internet, I think that human beings are by nature social creatures. Even the most introverted of people strive for some form of interaction with other people, however brief. On the surface, I think that people are more in love with the outside perception of themselves than who they really are underneath.<\/p>\n
And I think we all feel a need to belong somewhere.<\/p>\n
For pretty much the entirety of my life I have felt like I don\u2019t fit in.\u00a0The best way I\u2019ve ever been able to describe it is that I feel like a special guest star on a sitcom. Sure, people may like me being around and may even outwardly say they want me to be around, but there isn\u2019t a true place for me. I show up for a few episodes a season, but I never am a part of the main cast.<\/p>\n
There are moments like now where I look around and it feels like I\u2019ve lost at musical chairs. I don\u2019t have a place to sit. Everyone else does, and are off doing their own thing and living their lives. And I\u2019m just here. On an island. Alone.<\/p>\n
In the past while, I have\u00a0been trying really hard to find validation and acceptance in myself. And in a lot of ways I am proud of the progress I\u2019ve made on that front. Still, though. There\u2019s this nagging feel that it\u2019s just my lot in life to end up alone. That my principles or ideals\u00a0effectively equate to dividing by zero, and that I will never have all of the things I want in the way that I want them.<\/p>\n
I wonder, sometimes, if other people out there that I might perceive on the surface as being happy, feels like I do. Like maybe I\u2019m not crazy. Maybe other people I know are dealing with similar feelings. But probably not.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s made me think a lot about family. Some people may be able to escape this sense of loneliness in knowing that there are people out there that are your flesh and blood. In some ways, those people are obligated to be there for and with you to remind you that it\u2019s not just you on your own on the planet. That you\u2019re a part of something, somewhere. As great as my family is, I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ve ever truly embraced them in that way. I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ve ever truly embraced anyone in that way. And I don\u2019t know if anyone would ever want to embrace me in that way.<\/p>\n
I thanked my sister yesterday. We went out for pizza. Just kinda hung out and talked. It was the closest I\u2019ve come to actually talking about my feelings in a while. Perhaps a long while.<\/p>\n
Sometimes, I feel like I have progressed miles. In others, I feel like I\u2019ve only progressed inches, or even have fallen back.<\/p>\n
I wonder if it\u2019s possible to truly have all of the things you want in life and to be happy. I\u2019m trying to embrace the proverbial struggle of how I\u2019m feeling in hopes that down the road I can look back and appreciate the better times that much more.<\/p>\n
But sometimes I worry that those better times will never come, and that there will always been this hollow feeling inside where I feel like I could disappear and people would not care.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve set myself down a path of loneliness, knowing what it would do to me. The gamble was that in the long run it\u2019d leave me in a better place.<\/p>\n
There can\u2019t be ups without downs. Light without dark. Good without bad. It\u2019s the balance between\u00a0that\u2019s important. But man am I tired of feeling down.<\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Without any real studying or research past my own life experiences and what I might have gleaned from the internet, I think that human beings are by nature social creatures. Even the most introverted of people strive for some form of interaction with other people, however brief. On the surface, I think that people are … Continue reading Somewhere to Belong<\/span>