\u201cTrue\nconfidence is not needing anyone else\u2019s approval because you already have your\nown.\u201d -Albert Hailey III<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is quote has\nserved me well over the past few years. It\u2019s a feeling and notion that came as\nthe result of a lot of thinking on my past experiences. Confidence is something\nI\u2019ve struggled with for a large part of my life. A visceral fear of failure, rejection,\nand mockery lead to me to approach life with a guard raised too high. It was\nsafer to not try for things, to not put myself out there. The reward paled in\ncomparison to the risk. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Or so I thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I came to realize\nthat if I wanted to try for something but opted not to on account of my being\nworried about not succeeding then I never truly learn if I was able to\naccomplish that thing. Without that knowledge, I\u2019m largely left to wonder what\nI\u2019m truly capable of. Of what\u2019s possible. How could I ever feel confident under\nthose circumstances? With so much inconclusiveness floating around it felt\nborderline impossible to really feel good about myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And so I began on an\nemotional and spirit journey. I aimed to better connect with myself. Better see\nthe value within, and better acknowledge who I was and who I wanted to be. I\nrealized I spent a lot of my life not really thinking much of myself, let alone\nloving myself. Looking back, there\u2019s a bit of irony in that I feared what\nothers might think of me when nothing they could say could hold a candle to the\nconstant barrage my inner monologue bombarded me with. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As I ventured down\nthis path, I was able to gain a better appreciation for myself. In turn, I\nstarted to feel more confident. That slow progression is what lead to the quote\nat the start of this post. I had placed so much of my potential worth on the\nperception of external factors that I robbed myself of a lot of joy and\nconfidence. I sapped my own potential before I took the first step toward\nanything. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Previously I wrote\nabout a concept of there being a ratio to wisdom. The more I learn about myself\nand the human condition the less I feel I actually know. Learning about the\nextent of the proverbial solar system just makes me realize there\u2019s an entire galaxy\nout there. The more known knowns I\u2019ve gathered I\u2019ve also come to understand\nthat there are exponentially more known unknowns, and that doesn\u2019t even count\nthe unknown unknowns. A strange paradox, but anyway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The above quote,\nwhich has been so integral and important to my personal development, now feels\nwholly obsolete. The ratio dynamic again has presented itself, as I\u2019ve started\nto learn more about myself and the concept of confidence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I render this\njudgment on my once coveted quote because it is inherently flawed. Not needing\nanyone else\u2019s approval is great, but what if you lost the approval of yourself\nyou once had? That\u2019s a pretty damn big Jenga piece to yank out of the stack. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
There have been a\nfew instances of late where I would go into something with my hard-earned sense\nof self approval and, by extension, confidence. Should things go as I hoped,\ngreat. It all works out. However, anything short of success would trigger a host\nof feelings and thoughts of doubt, listlessness, sadness, and everything else.\nIt then takes time to get back on my feet and try again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In a lot of ways,\nthat return to a fighting stance was even more difficult than it was in life\nbefore my thoughts on true confidence. A building built too rigid collapses\nmighty fast if it\u2019s pushed past a certain point. My confidence was no\ndifferent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But life is an\niterative progression. We are forever works in progress, and I made a pretty\nbig realization last night. I have a new definition of true confidence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
True confidence is\nbelieving in one\u2019s self in spite of successes or setbacks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I think about\nmy previous definition, its intent was sound but its execution was ultimately\ndoomed. Its scope was simply too narrow. To merely place its entire definition\non the concept of people is short-sighted and, when I think about it, somewhat\nspiteful. It, at least for me, carried a measure of \u201cI\u2019ll show them\u201d\nto my approach towards confidence. Its subtext largely aimed to diminish the\nvalue of hypothetical negative opinions from people who I originally feared in\na bid to empower myself. Living in opposition to something still deeply roots\nit in your life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
There is another\naspect of confidence that has always looked me right in the face that my\noriginal quote refused to acknowledge. Success or failure, for my entire life,\nhas been used as conclusive proof of my capability and self-worth. Success\nsometimes would lead to a temporary sense of elation, but most of the time it\nfelt like a maintenance of the status quo; a still running fear from failure.\nFailure was the culmination of fears and doubt come to pass. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I threw six\ntouchdowns but one interception. I failed. I haven\u2019t gotten as far as I\u2019ve\nhoped to with streaming. I failed. I put everything I had into a relationship\nand it didn\u2019t work out. I failed. I didn\u2019t get every opportunity in esports I\nwanted. I failed. I\u2019m not a multi-millionaire. I failed. I haven\u2019t made the\ntime to jump far into web development. I failed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Things like this\nweigh on my very soul, and it can be so very hard to keep moving forward\nsometimes. Every setback is just more debris to clear from the path. It\u2019s more\nammunition for my negative self-talk. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But, conceptually,\nwhat if I took value away from success or failure. What if, instead, I more\nfocus on the idea that in spite of my doubts and fears I acted. I went for\nsomething. I strived for something. I sought to accomplish something. At all. I\nopted not to be a bystander in my own life. I tried to make something happen.\nIs that not worth some measure of confidence? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The courage to act,\nin and of itself, is not easy. And while each time I\u2019ve acted has not left me\nbatting 1.000 I am much further along in life and towards my goals than if I\nnever tried at all. That\u2019s worth something. At the very least it should be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
If I put myself out\nthere for something I\u2019d like to get to a place where that\u2019s the metric on which\nmy sense of self-worth and confidence hinges. Because success and failure are,\nmuch like the hypothetical opinions I dared to rebel against with my previous\nquote, external factors. And conceptually I don\u2019t want external factors to\naffect me past a certain point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In my recent aims to\nlearn from both my successes and setbacks I see the added benefit in how that\npursuit can and should make me feel. If I try for something, whether it works\nout or not, I endeavor to feel proud of the effort I\u2019ve put in, to assess the\ndetails on the outcome, and to learn from those observations. All the while I\nwant to remain confident that I am capable of accomplishing my goals with\nenough time, practice, and persistence. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In this, only giving\nup on something I truly want should result in a loss of confidence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bear in mind this is\nmerely a proof of concept. While I would love to magically evolve to such a\npoint where this is my approach to confidence, I am not there. Yet. Having a\ncompass of this magnitude and caliber helps a lot, though. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I may not get\neverything right every time, but I know my intentions in life are good, and\nthat I\u2019m capable of great things. I just have to keep trying. <\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u201cTrue confidence is not needing anyone else\u2019s approval because you already have your own.\u201d -Albert Hailey III This is quote has served me well over the past few years. It\u2019s a feeling and notion that came as the result of a lot of thinking on my past experiences. Confidence is something I\u2019ve struggled with for … Continue reading A Lesson in Confidence<\/span>