I\u2019ve sat here\nlooking at a blank page for longer than I care to admit. These blog posts are\nlargely just streams of consciousness, where there\u2019s a general topic, event, or\ntheme I want to talk about but I have no established or effective game plan.\nI\u2019ll write them in one sitting, take the most cursory of glances to check for\nspelling or grammatical errors, post it, and link to it without much\nadvertisement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve been thinking\nabout what I\u2019d use for a title. Potential candidates feel, in a vacuum, largely\nnegative or attention grabbing so I don\u2019t really want the contents of the post\nto be unfairly assessed before someone reads it. So, if you\u2019re going to read\nthis I\u2019d implore you to look at the whole message objectively. Also I\u2019d assure\nyou to the extent possible that I\u2019m okay. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
A couple of nights\nago I reached something of a checkmate scenario with myself. Emotional highs\nand lows are commonplace and something I certainly struggle with but that night\nI was pretty much at the bottom of the spectrum. Perhaps it\u2019s been because of I\u2019ve\nstarted meditating and trying to visualize goals that will make me happy, but\nwith this emotional valley I also had a startling level of clarity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I thought on what it\nwould be like to accomplish the goals I have set out for myself. The sense of\naccomplishment of it all. How reassuring and vindicating it\u2019d feel to put\ncountless hours into an endeavor. To persist through lapses of motivation and\ninterest. To sacrifice immediate gratification to plod away at something for a\nlarger payoff down the road. I sat with that feeling, and thought on some of\nthe accomplishments I\u2019ve already pulled off and how I feel about them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t think\naccomplishing any of these theorized goals, no matter how lofty or ambitious,\nwill actually make me happy. In fact, it\u2019s with a pretty sharp measure of\nconfidence that I\u2019d say I would just end up back at the emotionally hollow\nplace I was right then. Only then I\u2019d also be met with the realization that\neven for all the effort I\u2019ve put in I didn\u2019t effectively get anywhere. So what\nwas the point?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Believe me. My\nattempts at refuting this notion were plenty. I reasoned with myself, trying\neverything from baseless positive self-talk to every cognitive technique I\ncould think of. It all just lead me back to the same place. Every turn, every\nmental path. Just back at a central point of futility and hopelessness. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
With the full\nstrength of my mental faculty and ability to reason coming to a pretty sound\nconclusion, I did the only thing I could do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I gave up. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Part of me died\nemotionally as I sat there on my couch. A friend just so happened to message\nme, and I\u2019m sure they thought something was off with how I was responding.\nAlbert gets pretty down on himself sometimes, sure, but this is different.\nThere must really be something up. I\u2019m certain that\u2019s what they thought. I\nloathed the idea that I\u2019ve made someone I care about worry me, especially in an\ninstance where I don\u2019t feel much value in myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ever since I turned\n30, I\u2019ve been on this journey to grow as a person. I\u2019ve chronicled a lot of\nthose twists and turns here in this blog. People have come and gone in my life,\nmuch like the seasons and my varying frames of mind and realizations. There was\nan almost childish sense of naivety to the whole idea that I would, someday,\nbecome the person I wanted to and hoped I could be. That I would do the things\nI had hoped I was capable of doing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Thinking back then,\nI would have never thought that I\u2019d come to a conclusion that while the results\nof my efforts leave me feeling confident that I could do those things with\nenough effort I wouldn\u2019t particularly care to. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Climbing into bed\nfelt weird. What was the point of waking up the next day? I thought about it\nfor a while, and could hardly find an answer. It\u2019s a sad irony that I\u2019ve\ngathered years of experience going through life\u2019s motions while feeling\ndisconnected emotionally. I was able to fall back on a lot of that mindset.\nHome, sweet home. Abject defeat really is like riding a bike. Who knew.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The next day felt\naverage enough. Nothing really stood out. I tried to find things to be grateful\nfor to gather a sense of appreciation for life. And there are a lot of things I\nam truly grateful for. My family. My friends. The accomplishments I\u2019ve managed.\nMy being \u2018me\u2019, and being able to use what I have to do the things I have done\nis certainly still cool to me. Still, by most accounts, I have a great life.\nThings could certainly be worse, and I\u2019m thankful that they\u2019re not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But what\u2019s next?\nThat\u2019s the question that came to mind. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Spending the rest of\nmy life like this didn\u2019t sound particularly fun. I wouldn\u2019t say this whole\nemotional trek took me to a place of feeling suicidal. At most, I just\nconcluded I saw no point to living. Not necessarily that I wanted to die.\nReading that back as I type it now sounds grim-dark as Hell, but again I assure\nyou that I\u2019m looking at all of this objectively. Dispassionately, even. That\ncould be argued to be a problem in and of itself, but even that\u2019s not being\nlegitimately suicidal. I would talk to someone if I was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mulling over this\nquestion gave me an odd sense of relief, surprisingly. For years now I\u2019ve put\nso much pressure on myself to do and accomplish these things. To be who I want\nto be. While I haven\u2019t hit all of the checkboxes, I\u2019ve at least put down the foundation.\nEvery setback or time I feel I\u2019d gotten lazy brought a measure of pressure and\nshame that it was sometimes hard to act and push forward. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I started to ask\nmyself what were some of the times I felt genuinely, truly happy. Maybe that\ncould serve as a form of resurrection; a return to the path I had set myself\non. So when have I felt that way? The instances are few and far between, if I\u2019m\nbeing honest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m happy when I see\nmy folks and when they tell me they\u2019re proud of me. It makes me feel like I\nhaven\u2019t let them down and that the effort spent raising me wasn\u2019t wasted. I\u2019m\nhappy when someone that loves me smile at me without reservation and I see the hope,\nlove, trust, and happiness they share with me glimmer in their eyes. It gives\nme such a warm feeling and a sense of duty and responsibility to never let that\nperson down. Not exactly batting .1000 there, but I suppose that\u2019s another blog\npost. Still, add it to the list. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The times someone\nmessages me, however close we are or aren\u2019t, to say they read my blog post and\nsomething resonated with them. Or even that it helped them in some way. That\u2019s\nalways mind blowing to me. When someone hangs out in my stream and says they appreciate\nthe atmosphere and the community that\u2019s formed there. Things like that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Personal growth\naccomplishments, like when I cast and push aside negative self-talk to be an\nhonest representation of me fulfilling a role I enjoy. I like giving context to\nthe personal struggles I endure by saying even though I feel this way I can\nstill muster up the energy and courage to put myself out there in such a way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In thinking on ways\nI could potentially replicate this, a light bulb, dusty and unused as it\u2019s ever\nbeen, flickered and sputtered before finally it shone bright. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve been a largely\nselfish person for most of my life. It\u2019s not a great quality, but it\u2019s worth\nbeing honest with myself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
My goals, when I\nthought about them, have all been about me. What I accomplish. How it makes me\nfeel. What it says about me. What it proves to myself. What I get out of it. I\nthink of all the cool things I\u2019ve done and have bought and how the happiness that\nall grants is fleeting at best and often feels hollow. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s the core root\non why I gave up. None of it made me happy. Not really. Not in any tangible,\nconsistent way. Not even content. Bear in mind I don\u2019t mean riding off into the\nsunset, grinning ear to ear, shaking jazz hands happy. I mean just a basic sense\nof fulfillment and being content. Being pleased with myself and my life. That\u2019s\nthe\u00a0 feeling that\u2019s hard to come by.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And the folly of my\noutset hit me like a ton of bricks. I\u2019ve spent so much time and energy working\nto better someone I don\u2019t really love or care about. Again, odd irony to say\nthat my problem all along has been that it\u2019s been to benefit myself when I don\u2019t\nmuch like myself. But, it\u2019s true. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I thought about the\nthings that made me feel happy, and none of them really had anything to do with\nme. They\u2019re rooted in how others made me feel. It wasn\u2019t that I made a certain\namount of money, or that I got to do a certain thing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mining more from\nthis thread of logic brought me to realize something I\u2019ve actually been\nthinking about for a while but haven\u2019t been able to really find. I\u2019ve been\nwanting to write a mission statement of sorts for myself. Something to guide my\nactions in service towards something. I haven\u2019t been able to find something\nworth working toward in my life enough that I\u2019d want it to guide my thoughts\nand actions that extensively. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I thought about\nhow pursuing goals for my own benefit hit a certain dead end, and what things\ndid make me happy. It\u2019s a bittersweet idea, but I think I\u2019ve decided that my\nlife\u2019s purpose is to work towards becoming the kind of person I want others to aspire\nto be so the world becomes a better place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The best way I can\npossibly articulate this concept is that one of my long term goals is to write\na book. One that is the result of my time on this journal of personal\ndevelopments. My thoughts. My conclusions. I genuinely set this goal with the\nintent to help others, but a lot of the push behind it was to prove to myself\nthat I actually could<\/em> sit down and write\na full book. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This life purpose\nchanges this goal from wanting to write a book to help others to writing a book\nso that I can help others. Perhaps that\u2019s splitting hairs to some, but it\u2019s a\npretty stark and profound difference to me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I write out all of\nthis to say I\u2019ve come to a somewhat disheartening conclusion that I just don\u2019t\nfeel I\u2019m a person hardwired for the kind of happiness I\u2019ve sought the past few\nyears. And while the proverbial jury is out on whether or not that means I\u2019m not\nwired happiness at all, I can use this conclusion to be selfless where I\u2019ve\nbeen selfish. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m not happy, but\nmaybe I can make someone else\u2019s life better. Maybe I can lift up family and\nfriends. Maybe I can help someone through a tough time. I can hopefully inspire\nsomeone to go after a goal of theirs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If I can hit\nmilestones with casting, or with web development, or with just carving out a\ncertain kind of life it may make someone think that if I can do it then maybe\nthey can do. If I positively impact even just one person in that capacity, and\ntheir life ends up being a fraction better than it would have otherwise then at\nthe very least some good came out of my time on this planet. <\/p>\n\n\n\n A value I try to\nupkeep is to leave things like I found them or better. If I can bring\npositivity to people maybe it helps their day, which in turn helps their next\ninteraction with a loved one or with how they look at their goals. It makes\nsomeone\u2019s day, their world, a little brighter. And they maybe pass that on to\nsomeone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s say a cashier\nis having a bad day and my kindness to them helps them get through their shift\nand maybe that encourages them to be nicer to the next person. And that carries\non. It goes viral. And the butterfly effect leads to someone\u2019s marriage sticking\ntogether because a couple aren\u2019t taking their bad days out on each other and\nbecause of that they have a kid that ends up changing the world. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If I\u2019m going to have\nlofty ambitions, I\u2019d rather they were like that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Elon Musk said, to\nparaphrase, that he started SpaceX because he hopes that one day humans are\nable to explore deeper into space, past our solar system. He said he started\nTesla because he wanted to make energy efficient transportation affordable to\nbenefit the world. The guy puts an insane amount of time and effort into these\nendeavors, employing genius and ingenuity to ultimately help people. I\u2019m sure\nbeing able to print money is cool too, but that\u2019s not why he does any of that\nstuff.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve never actively\nset a goal to make my life or my pursuits about others or the greater good.\nEven this blog was meant to be therapy for me, and people benefiting from it\nended up being an unexpected side effect. I think there\u2019s a very real\ncorrelation to this selfish way of thinking and my general emotional detachment\nfrom people. And possibly even my own inability to be happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I guess I wrote all\nof this to say I learned more about the idea that it\u2019s better to give than to\nreceive, and wanting to give can be a powerful motivator and I\u2019m hoping that it\nbecomes one for me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If the world is ever\ngoing to be what it could and arguably should be people have to change. I don\u2019t\nhave the gumption or the ego to say I\u2019m going to change the world, but it\u2019d be\ncool to think that this shift in mindset helps someone out that ultimately\ndoes. Or at least makes it better than it was like I found it. <\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I\u2019ve sat here looking at a blank page for longer than I care to admit. These blog posts are largely just streams of consciousness, where there\u2019s a general topic, event, or theme I want to talk about but I have no established or effective game plan. I\u2019ll write them in one sitting, take the most … Continue reading Giving Up and giving<\/span>