I heard from a\nfriend and former coworker today. They messaged me on Facebook, and let me know\nthat they had an extra ticket to see a band that we both really like. It\u2019s been\na couple of years since I had actually talked with my friend, so I had an interesting\nrealization when I told them that I no longer lived on the east coast and that\nI had moved to California.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had told my\nfriend, like I had plenty of other people, that one day I wanted to move to\nCalifornia. I almost forgot that several year stretch when I had laid out a\nplan of sorts, all the while knowing inside that I wouldn\u2019t accomplish it or be\nable to accomplish it. The heavy certainty that my desires, with regards to my\ncapability and drive, were largely unrealistic and another avenue towards\ndisappointment and failure weighed on me a lot back then. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I did still want\nto move to California.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I detailed the\nnature of my move to California. How I\u2019ve done stuff in esports and arranged\nworking full time remotely with my job. And when I look at my life from the\nperspective of where I was and where I figured I would be back then I\u2019d think\nthat I\u2019d be insanely happy. I\u2019ve achieved a lot more than I ever felt I\u2019d be\nable to, but the same deflated outlook still hangs over my head so much of the\ntime.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I think that\u2019s the\ntruly disheartening and unfortunate thing about depression, self-doubt, and\neverything along that path; your perception of things are largely skewed and\ndiminish the value had out of the positive things in your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve felt so drained\nlately. It seems like the things I do to try to recharge are only 30%\neffective, leaving me still worn out emotionally and physically. I spend a lot\nof time alone with my thoughts; a place that probably isn\u2019t the most advised\nvacation spot. I find myself struggling with a lot of the same demons I always\nhave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Feeling like I have\nno one to talk to, while knowing that I do. Feeling that talking about myself\nand my feelings to anyone is an exercise in selfishness and ignorance of the\ngoings on for anyone else, while knowing there are people in my life that care enough\nto be there for me in that capacity if I went to them. The feeling that knowing\nthat paradoxically reinforces the idea that I shouldn\u2019t<\/em>\ngo to them, because I don\u2019t want to burden a friendship of that caliber and\nquality. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Feeling abjectly\nalone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Bundling all this up\nleaves a feeling of being bottled up; a tightly shut valve housing building\npressure with no release in sight. What feels like sensible logic talks me out\nof any potential avenue for relief. Returning to therapy would feel like a failure\nand a step back. I mentioned how I feel about talking to friends and family.\nEven my blog has lost its sense of purpose. <\/p>\n\n\n\n A core founding\nprinciple of this blog was that I\u2019d be completely open and honest with myself\nin a more public setting, but I never imagined people would actually bother to\nread anything I wrote. I don\u2019t want my struggles to feel like some cry for\nattention, or like I\u2019m trying to burden people in some kind of way. In the off\nchance I\u2019ve ever positively impacted someone with my writing or in some other\nway, I don\u2019t want to let anyone down or disappoint them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s all an aversion\nto show weakness, vulnerability, or insecurity. That\u2019s all it\u2019s ever been. At\nits root, my mind feels perpetually wired to close myself off if it means I\u2019m\nnot showing sides of myself I\u2019m less than proud of. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I don\u2019t know what to\ndo. I don\u2019t know what I can do. I just keep trying to get back on the\nproverbial bike, wondering if I\u2019ll ever really be capable of learning how to\nride. Comparing myself to others who seemingly are naturals at riding to try\nand figure out what is wrong with me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Isolation has always\nlead to introspection for me, and sooner or later that introspection leads to a\nmore positive place. I hope the third act of that progression comes soon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2014-<\/p>\n\n\n\n I see the world for\nwhat it is<\/p>\n\n\n\n Or at the least for\nwhat it seems<\/p>\n\n\n\n What makes sense\ncould be mere fact or myth<\/p>\n\n\n\n How can I trust what\nI have seen?<\/p>\n\n\n\n A heavy cloak, this\nveil I wear<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s fabric worn\nfrom being there<\/p>\n\n\n\n For years it\u2019s been\na second skin<\/p>\n\n\n\n A constant presence,\nunwavering friend<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s strange how\ncomfort forms from pain<\/p>\n\n\n\n How what you\u2019ve\ngrown used to feels like home<\/p>\n\n\n\n My hope and joy and\nlight is drained<\/p>\n\n\n\n By this cloak that\ninsist I suffer alone<\/p>\n\n\n\n The emptiness I\u2019m\nused to<\/p>\n\n\n\n The void is nothing\nnew<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s bringing color\nto black and white<\/p>\n\n\n\n That sets my world\naskew<\/p>\n\n\n\n Warmth within a cold\nembrace<\/p>\n\n\n\n From the veil, at\nleast that\u2019s what it seemed<\/p>\n\n\n\n The truth that I am\nscared to face <\/p>\n\n\n\n Is could I survive\nif I was freed?<\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I heard from a friend and former coworker today. They messaged me on Facebook, and let me know that they had an extra ticket to see a band that we both really like. It\u2019s been a couple of years since I had actually talked with my friend, so I had an interesting realization when I … Continue reading Perception \/ The Veil<\/span>