Part of me wanted to\nwrite this 2 weeks into CRL. Part of me wanted to wait until after the Finals\nand everything was done. But I decided on the drive home last night, after the\nlast team for the finals was found that I\u2019d take time today to try to gather my\nthoughts on my experience as a host. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Consider this as\nmore of a stream of consciousness more than anything else. There isn\u2019t going to\nbe much of a beginning middle and end. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Since there are\nfolks who watched CRL who didn\u2019t know who I was beforehand, I\u2019ll go over some\nstuff about me you may already have read. Sorry? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hosting proved to be\none of the most difficult things I\u2019ve done in my life, but also one of the most\nrewarding. On its surface, it\u2019d be easy to think the transition would be easy.\nI\u2019ve opened for Heroes of the Dorm and other stuff before. I\u2019ve been the host\nin that capacity. But now I\u2019m just doing that without the casting. Should be\neasy, right? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Not for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I got into casting\nas a means to better connect with myself and who I was; to learn how to\nhonestly express myself. I expected to fail. I anticipated people thinking I\nwas terrible at it, laughing at me, and giving me the chance to experience\nsocial rejection so that it might harden me for future attempts at things. My\nplan felt infallible at the time, but it backfired in that people seemed to\nlike my casting enough for me to keep doing more and more things. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
A certain bar was\nreached for me, where I felt like I accomplished the things I wanted to do with\ncasting at the professional level. When the announcement came out that HGC was\nending I felt a range of things (that I mostly wrote in a previous blog post if\nsomeone was so inclined to read that), but for the most part I made my peace\nwith the idea that my casting \u2018career\u2019 was over. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Since then I started\ncasting some Smash Ultimate stuff, but it felt more like back when I started\nout with casting; something I did because I enjoyed it and I wanted to\nchallenge myself by trying to cast a game that was very different from what I\nhad known. So when I was contacted about potentially hosting CRL I was entirely\nfloored. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Knowing I did not\nhave a ton of experience with the game, they still felt I would be good at the\nrole of host. That in and of itself was flattering, but a bit terrifying as\nwell. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Casting is my\noutlet. It\u2019s one of the few times in my life where my brain takes a backseat to\ntruly honest expression. I reach into a part of myself I didn\u2019t know I had a\nfew years ago. During a cast I am imbued with confidence that I seldom feel in\nother places. It\u2019s a kind of energy that is addicting yet soothing at the same\ntime. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I guess the\nrealization I made as the weeks went on with CRL is one huge difference between\ncasting and hosting. Casting, in a lot of ways and in the context I see it, is\na shield. It\u2019s me, sure, but it\u2019s me doing an act of some sort. Like singing, dancing,\nor playing a sport. It\u2019s something to hide behind, as meta a concept as that\nmay be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If I make a bad joke\ncasting, there\u2019s a whole wealth of things to talk about afterwards. I can just\nget into the technical aspects of casting a game and \u2018hide\u2019. I felt like it was\nvery much just me in front of a camera. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You don\u2019t really get\nto do that with hosting. Not really, I found. A good host has a good\npersonality, and I was considered for the role of host for CRL because of my\npersonality. Something that I\u2019ve consistently bashed, looked down on, doubted,\nand for a long time lost hope in was something others saw value in. And the\npeople who saw value in it aren\u2019t crazy. They\u2019re people I have a lot of respect\nfor. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So maybe I was the\none that was crazy? I don\u2019t know. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I do know that as a\nhost I felt very \u2018naked\u2019. I\u2019ve said it time and time again, but the guys I\nworked with on the desk, the production staff, and Psyonix made what felt like\nan impossible endeavor into something I felt pretty comfortable doing. Perhaps\neven confident in some instances. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Which blows my\nfreaking mind because looking back on it now I am shocked I even wanted to do\nit in the first place. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Someone who\nconstantly doubts himself and feels uncomfortable in groups he should feel\ncomfortable in takes on a new role in a new game with new coworkers in front of\na new community in a medium that is largely open to criticism and laid-bare\nrejection. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What could go wrong?\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n
About my performance\nI can say that there were instances where I fell short of my expectations, both\nlofty and reasonable. But there were also moments where, looking back, I was\npretty impressed with the job I did. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
To face hosting was\nand is to face myself. As I\u2019ve explained to a few people it\u2019s odd getting\nfeedback and tips on what to improve as a host, because there isn\u2019t much\nseparation from the \u2018me\u2019 that\u2019s typing this up and the \u2018me\u2019 that is passing off\nto a break. I don\u2019t like to show imperfections, and I felt every stumble of\nwords, every mistake, every mispronounced name, and every misstep. It was\nsomehow easy and difficult at the same time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I like to think that\ntrue growth comes from being outside your comfort zone to a degree, and I\ndefinitely was there. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
From a technical\nperspective, hosting also really made me assess how my mind works. People have\nasked over the years where I come up with the stuff I say when I cast, and my\nanswer is always the truth; I have no idea. It just comes to me on the fly. But\nI don\u2019t really get to do that with hosting. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I participated in\ncasting as a second analyst\/storyteller kind of person. Which is cool, and\nlooking back helped me wade in to the concept of ever potentially casting\nRocket League outright. It created a lot of jammed signals in my head, though. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What I say when I\ncast Heroes on the fly comes from my subconscious (I think) and my short term\nmemory. I actually rarely remember a lot of things I say that people find\nfunny, in all truth. But hosting requires a TON of mid-to-long term memory.\nRemembering team names, stories, what two other people are saying in and out of\na game, what is lined up next in terms of production, and whatever else bounces\naround in my head at any given moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In my growing\nunderstanding of the game, I would take a lot of notes when I noticed patterns\nand big plays from the teams over the course of the game. Mid-term memory. But\nI\u2019d also add stuff during the course of the game. Short-term memory. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So out of the game\nthere would be a lot of times where how words go from mid-term memory to out of\nmy mouth would cross up with my short-term mental processes. At least that\u2019s\nwhat it felt like. I would go to describe one thing based on a word or two I jotted\ndown in the game but a different way to say it would magically be what I say,\nonly I\u2019d stumble over the word. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It happened a lot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve kinda always\nhad an issue where I\u2019d stumble over my words. It\u2019s a large part of why I feel\nI\u2019m a better writer than speaker. Except for things like this where it\u2019s just\nan aimless wandering of the mind, I suppose. With actual stories and things I\nthink I\u2019m pretty good at writing. Anyway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Casting has helped\nto some extent address my stumbling, but it might always be there to some\ndegree. I\u2019ve worked at it. I just don\u2019t know how to get rid of it entirely. I\u2019d\nlove to because that\u2019d mean my mind itself would work in a better rhythm and\nthat\u2019s something I\u2019ve wanted for a long time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
With Heroes, talking\noutside the game was pretty easy in that I knew the game very well and I knew\nwhat to talk about. By the time I did the second Heroes of the Dorm all the\nproduction-sided processes were ingrained in muscle memory. So I never really got\nout of sync. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
A lot of the flow\nand format from Dorm to CRL had similarities, but it\u2019s still a new game, new\nenvironment, new role, new production folks, and a new community. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I honestly felt like\nat any given time I was thinking entertaining anywhere from 8-11 different\nmental threads as host. It actually brought about an instance where I felt a\nlot of disappointment in myself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had wanted to try\nto do some play-by-play casting during the games, but adding that kind of\nmental processing on top of everything else just felt like it was too much for\nme. I could feel other things suffering. It was a limit that was very hard to\nhit, and even more difficult to consciously recognize. The perfectionist in me,\nthat wants to be able to take on any challenge and excel wilts at the idea of\nnot being able to do something I set out to do. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I really struggled\nwith the idea that I had failed. It took a lot of doing to give myself some\nslack, and be \u2018okay\u2019 with the idea of not being able to do it all yet. With\ntime, as more stuff because automatic processes I don\u2019t need to think about\nthen I do feel I could bring a lot of what people know me for as a caster to\nthe table as play by play in Rocket League. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But damn if it\ndidn\u2019t hurt to realize I couldn\u2019t do it just yet. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
A lot of folks from\nthe RL community took time out of their day to message me and tell me I was\ndoing a good job, and gave me some pointers and words of encouragement on how\nto improve. It meant more to me than I\u2019m sure a lot of people would think. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I never feel like I\nfit in anywhere, but the RL community as a whole did not give me any instance\nwhere I felt I was unwelcome. It made it really easy to tackle those negative\nthoughts and rein them in. On the day it was announced I was doing CRL, someone\nhad asked what I knew about Rocket League since I didn\u2019t tweet about the game.\nThey later on messaged me to say they were sorry they doubted me and that they\nthought I was doing a great job; that it was clear I had put in the work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Stuff like that\nreally resonates with me. I wouldn\u2019t venture into a different community\nlightly. Games, their competitive scenes, and their communities can be\nimportant parts of people\u2019s lives and they are right to want to protect that\nand see it respected. A principle I have, which has definitely left me in a\nposition where I choose to let some opportunities pass, is that if I can\u2019t do\nthe job I\u2019d expect of someone as a viewer I wouldn\u2019t want to do it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I felt like I\nwas capable of being the host for CRL, and I had the support of a lot of people\nto keep me going if an instance ever came up where I started to doubt that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
All in all, it was\nan amazing experience for me. On top of the games and the stories that unfolded\nfor the teams, it was a deeply enriching journey into myself and an opportunity\nto better connect with and understand who that person is. Who I am. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I could see a world\nwhere I seek more hosting opportunities. I think as I get more comfortable with\nthe particulars and accepting of who I am, imperfect as that might be, I will\ncontinue to improve as a host. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I gave the role\neverything I had, and I feel I came away a better person for the experience.\nFor that, and for everyone\u2019s kindness and support I will be eternally thankful.\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019d be lying,\nthough, if I didn\u2019t feel a need to recharge. It\u2019s mentally exhausting stuff, ad\nhoc deep introspection in front of a camera while being a host. <\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Part of me wanted to write this 2 weeks into CRL. Part of me wanted to wait until after the Finals and everything was done. But I decided on the drive home last night, after the last team for the finals was found that I\u2019d take time today to try to gather my thoughts on … Continue reading I’ll be your host<\/span>