I\u2019ve come to some\ndifficult realizations as of late. I\u2019m emotionally bottled up by ways of\nsuppression and avoidance. Here are two stories that indirectly shed light on\nwhat I mean.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There\u2019s a song named\nSober by Childish Gambino. The video itself has a lot of layers, and while my\ninterpretation of it might not be accurate it does resonate and mean something\nto me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The lead character\nis a goofy loner sitting in a restaurant that takes interest in a girl that\ncomes in. In a goofy and awkward progression of events he attempts to socialize\nwith the girl, and express some form of interest. Initially, she\u2019s pretty weirded\nout but by the end of the video she finds something about his honest, yet odd,\nexpression somewhat charming; enough anyway that she dances with him for a\nbrief moment before her food is ready and she leaves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There\u2019s a specific\npair of shots at the end of the video that hit a really strong chord with me.\nAfter she dances with him and goes to get her food, he\u2019s continuing to dance in\na way that says, \u201cSee. I\u2019m actually not that weird. I\u2019m not what most people\ntake me to be at first glance.\u201d It\u2019s like a high he\u2019s chasing, in a way.\nThat sense of recognition. Something worked, and he employs the logic of \u2018if\nthen\u2019 conditioning, so if he continues to dance then he\u2019ll continue to get\nrecognized.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then she leaves and\nhe stops dancing. He nods a little bit, as if to acknowledge that the\ninteraction is over, but he proved to himself that someone noticed him. There\u2019s\na sense of bereft acquiescence as he moves to return to his seat, as though\nhe\u2019s struggling with the idea of maybe he was only recognized because he\ncarried some novel bit of entertainment and that his value past that was what\nhe had feared all along; nothing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
He wasn\u2019t noticed\nbefore. He was even openly rejected as he attempted to entertain. Sure, there\u2019s\na moment of levity in being noticed but was he noticed in the way he really\nwanted? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Maybe some of the\nresoluteness in his nod was him having to swallow the bitter pill of realizing\nthat maybe entertaining someone was the only way he\u2019d ever actually be noticed.\nThat maybe he just needed to be content with that, and give up on the notion that\nsomeone would notice him even if he wasn\u2019t dancing. While he may or may not\nhave more to offer, that\u2019s all anyone was looking for from him. And that had to\nbe enough. But deep down he knew it wasn\u2019t. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
By now my projection\nis pretty apparent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
At the end of almost\nevery social interaction I feel a variation of this. When I close the door to\nmy house and I\u2019m alone again I wonder where I really stand with people. The\nconstant flood of negative self-talk seize upon the opportunity to take that proverbial\nball and run with it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThey just\nwanted a way to kill some time. They just wanted to be entertained for a while.\nThat\u2019s all. They aren\u2019t really your friends. They don\u2019t really care. You make\nthem laugh, but if you ever wanted to talk to them about something they\nwouldn\u2019t want to be there for you. Not really. They might humor you for a\nwhile, but it\u2019s just out of kindness. Your rapport with them in a one-way\nstreet. You provide entertainment or you listen to them about their troubles,\nand that\u2019s it. And here are all the reasons why that\u2019s the case.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Despite my best\nefforts, sooner or later some argument is posed that feels pretty iron-clad and\nconclusive. I don\u2019t want to dispel my assumptions by simply asking outright,\nbecause that plays into the same negative circle of logic about my interactions\nbeing a one way street. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I ultimately come\nto the conclusion of the best way to win at this game is simply to not play. So\nI delve further into my introverted tendencies. I don\u2019t give myself\nopportunities to make myself feel bad about social interactions. I simply avoid\nthem outright, and I choose loneliness over perceived rejection or relegation.\nI make myself into the very thing I fear people think of me as; a social tool\nfor their benefit and little else. Making myself into the thing I don\u2019t want to\nbe because I\u2019m worried that might be what people see me as is not exactly an\noptimal strategy as I look at what I\u2019ve typed objectively. Yet here we are, and\nhere we have been for most of my life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Story number two.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A person struggles\nwith emotionally closing themselves off. They struggle with feelings of\nacceptance and decide that, in an attempt to break through these self-imposed\nbarriers, they will do things that fly in the face of their fears. They start a\nblog, intending to write, without filter, their feelings about different\nmoments in their life. They will post this blog for the world to see, even link\nit on their social media accounts. The thing is, however, that they find a\nmeasure of comfort in knowing that no one\u2019s going to actually read it. Why\nwould they? People don\u2019t care. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Maybe one or two\npeople will be bored enough to skim through a paragraph or two and say,\n\u201cHey. That\u2019s pretty deep. Thanks for writing that,\u201d but in terms of\nany real processing? No. But that\u2019s fine. This person isn\u2019t hoping for an\naudience. They\u2019re simply hoping to prove to themselves that they won\u2019t explode\nif they express themselves. Even better would be the possibility that they\u2019d\nlearn that life isn\u2019t over if someone responds negatively to the blog. Someone\ndoesn\u2019t like what I have to say about my feelings. So what? It doesn\u2019t kill me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And that person can\nuse that as a foundation to maybe open up more. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This person also\nstarts attempting to express themselves in other ways. They start commentating\nin a game they like. And to their surprise people seemingly really enjoy the\neffort. He\u2019s entertaining enough, apparently, that they get more and more\nopportunities to commentate. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This isn\u2019t part of\nthe plan. Much like with the blog, they only started commentating to prove to\nthemselves that it\u2019s okay if people don\u2019t like their honest expression. But\npeople continue to find him entertaining. People continue to read their blog\nposts. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
These attempts at\nfailure somehow lead to what someone would consider success. People tell this\nperson that their blog posts resonate with them. That they find themselves in a\nlot of the words they write. People want this person to commentate and do more\nthings. They think this person has potential to do some really cool stuff, and\nthat they deserve some really cool opportunities. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But this person\nstill deeply struggles with feelings of fundamental acceptance. This person\nasks themselves some pretty existential questions. Do people just like me\nbecause I\u2019m entertaining? Is that all I\u2019m worth? What if I\u2019m not feeling\nparticularly entertaining a certain day? Do the people I think are my friends\nsuddenly find themselves not particularly interested in me as a person? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Are there\nexpectations for these blog posts now? Has something that was selfishly made\nfor me now become the world\u2019s? Or at the very least has it in the possession of\nthe people who read it? And look forward to more posts? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What if I\u2019m not able\nto help people like I have before? What if I\u2019m not writing what people expect?\nWhat if it\u2019s not happy enough? What if I\u2019m not resolutely resolving feelings?\nWhat if things aren\u2019t getting better? What if things are getting worse? Will\npeople not bother to reply? Will they not bother to offer words of\nencouragement like they had before? How will that make me feel? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Will I come away\nfrom these attempts at personal growth feeling worse about myself than I\nstarted? I was already at a low place, so what would even lower a place look\nlike? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This person decides\nit\u2019s just best to not bother writing blog posts at all. At the very least, to\nonly write when a sense of certainty is had that it will hit the checkboxes of\nexpectations he\u2019s assumed and placed upon themselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Depression, in the\nway I understand myself to suffer from it and subsequently interpret it, is all\nencompassing and is tireless in its endeavor to consume every potentially\npositive thing that happens in my life. It is the ever vigilant devil\u2019s\nadvocate to every \u2018good\u2019 thing, and I am not always equipped to deal with it\nvery well. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It costs me a lot in\nterms of self-esteem, strong friendships, and a connection to the world at\nlarge. Closing myself off, at times, feels like the best option but that brings\na cost all its own. It doesn\u2019t save me from the very depression that lead me to\nwant to close off to begin with, but it does potentially give the depression\nless to corrupt. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s like being set\non fire, and your attempts to put it out would be to lock yourself in an\nair-tight room made of glass in hopes that the fire runs out of the oxygen,\neven though there\u2019s a swimming pool just outside the room. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you read a lot of\nthe blog posts I\u2019ve written over the past couple of years it would sound like\nmy life is in a really good place. I\u2019ve accomplished a lot of cool things, and\nhave made some serious strides in terms of personal growth. And those things\nare true. I have an amazing life, and I have people in my life that care about\nme. I feel very lucky, and try to remind myself every day of how fortunate I\nam.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I\u2019ve made a\ndifficult, sobering realization. One I\u2019ve made a few times before, but\nunderstand it with an intense vibrance now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Whether I take\nanti-depressants or not, I will always deal with depression. It\u2019s not something\nI will ever beat. It\u2019s not something that will go away. It\u2019s going to dog me at\nevery turn, and the concept of \u2018happily ever after\u2019 happiness is a fantasy that\nultimately works against me, as I start to feel bad that I\u2019m not that happy in\nthe face of all the good things happening in my life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The happiness I need\nto seek is not a \u2018destination\u2019 where I\u2019ve defeated depression. The happiness I\nneed is in the process of accepting how my mind works and creating a strategy\nthat deals with my depression as it exists. I need to learn to act knowing that\nit will always be there. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s always been the\ndevil on my shoulder. It will likely always be the devil on my shoulder. I need\nto make an angel, or find a way to more consistently listen to it if it\u2019s been\nthere. Because I haven\u2019t done a very good job of listening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I need to talk\nto people. I guess. At the very least, I need to accept the plausibility of the\nidea that people actually do like me for me enough to act on that possibility\nin spite of how I\u2019m feeling. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It hurts to open up\nto people and be actually rejected. It also hurts to cut myself off from people\nin fear of rejection. If I\u2019m going to be hurt either way, I may as well try for\nthe former. I guess. At the very least, opting for the latter hasn\u2019t gotten me\nwhere I\u2019d like to be so it\u2019s worth giving the former more of a try. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I guess.<\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ve come to some difficult realizations as of late. I\u2019m emotionally bottled up by ways of suppression and avoidance. Here are two stories that indirectly shed light on what I mean. There\u2019s a song named Sober by Childish Gambino. The video itself has a lot of layers, and while my interpretation of it might not … Continue reading Sobering<\/span>