This is something I\nhad planned on doing for a while, but for one reason or another I never sat\ndown and committed the time. It started as me wanting to write about the\nexperience of living in California; of moving across the country and the amount\nof effort it took to make this an actual thing. Then as the end of the year\napproached I decided I\u2019d expand it to more an assessment of the year in its\nentirety. Then the end of the year came and went without me writing a single\nword. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The act of not\nwriting the review then became a point of shame in my mind. When I\u2019d think of\nhow long it had been since I\u2019ve written anything negative self thoughts about\nprocrastination would mire my thoughts. Then, before long, everything I had or\nhadn\u2019t yet done became a topic of a trial forever going on in my mind. Am I a\ngood person? Am I doing enough? Am I lazy? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It all becomes\nexhausting, so I just give up after a while. The fight with my inner thoughts\nis, as I\u2019ve written before, likely to never end but I hope that someday I can\nget to a place where they don\u2019t drain me as much as they do. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But anyway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
2018 was a year of\ngreat change for me. In all truth, I thought the prospect and possibility of me\nactually moving to California was farfetched, insanely ambitious, and\nincredibly unlikely. What would I even do when I was out there? It\u2019d be\nupending my entire life. Nothing would be the same. I\u2019d be on my own. Arguably\nthe last place I should probably be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Living alone on the\nopposite side of the country is a curious test for someone who spends most of\ntheir time overthinking and being lost in their mind. It takes a lot of self\ndiscipline to be able to be productive and do work when there\u2019s no office for you\nto go to and no one directly in your face to hold you accountable. Objectively\nit could be argued that I\u2019m managing all of that well, but there\u2019s always going\nto be a part of me that nags, saying that I could have done more. That I\u2019m\narguably not doing nearly enough. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
A lot of the goals I\nhad set for myself in 2018 were accomplished, though. I was able to cast at the\npro level. I did, in fact, move to California. I had hoped to cast Blizzcon,\nbut that wasn\u2019t to be. With no shortage of trepidation, I thought on the possibility\nof my becoming a professional caster in the HGC. It feels weird to even type\nthat out, knowing that at some point someone might read it. Someone might know\nthat I wanted to go for something, and they\u2019d know I\u2019d known failure if it\ndidn\u2019t happen. That\u2019s the general thought process that goes into my being so\nprivate and reserved. I\u2019m not standoffish. I\u2019m insecure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But anyway,\ndifferent signs suggested I could have a proverbial seat at that table only to\nfind out that the whole house was being demolished. A lot of people asked me\nhow I felt with regards to the end of HGC. Perhaps they also felt I would have\nbeen brought on to the HGC. Some said as much. My first thought is of the\nplayers and people who relied financially on the HGC. I\u2019ll always feel they\ndeserved better treatment. That their efforts, commitment, and sacrificed\nshould have been better cherished and respected. That would be a different post\nentirely, though. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s hard for me to\nmourn the concept of something that was only ever an ambitious hypothetical. My\nhumility and \u2018standoffishness\u2019 makes it really hard for me to express how I\nfeel about it. Even with myself. In 2018, almost all of the goals I\u2019ve ever had\nfor myself with casting were met. I proved to myself that I could cast at the\npro level and be good at it. I didn\u2019t need to prove it to anyone else, and I\ndidn\u2019t necessarily need to keep doing it. Accomplishing that put something of a\nfinality to casting as much as it made for a new beginning. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
While casting has\nalways been about self expression and having fun, the drive to prove something\nto myself was no longer there. However large a percentage of the effort I put\ninto casting that was, that could all be put into just raw enjoyment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
2018 has also become\na year where I\u2019ve found it strangely difficult to really talk about my\nfeelings. It\u2019s a part of why I haven\u2019t written a blog post in a long time. At\nfirst I just thought it was me adjusting to the new status quo of living in\nCalifornia, but maybe there\u2019s something more. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In a further\nconcession to the idea that I can\u2019t fix all of my problems on my own, I\u2019ve\nstarted going to a therapist who was quick to discern that I am too hard on\nmyself, too emotionally restrictive, and socially withdrawn. Therapy has\ncertainly helped me deal with some things. Or at the very least to better\nunderstand them. I don\u2019t know how much longer I\u2019ll keep going, though. I wanted\na roadmap that would get me where I wanted to go and I feel I\u2019ve gotten that.\nAnything else would feel like my therapist is doing the work for me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
One of the reasons I\nwanted to move was to take myself out of my comfort zone. It was a big part in\nmy development when I moved to Virginia. It only seemed logical that I\u2019d get\nthe same benefit in moving here. I could weigh and measure myself, see what changes\nI wanted and needed to make. I\u2019ve done that, but in doing so light has been\ncast on what might be the biggest challenge I\u2019ll ever face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The ability to\nchange my habits. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve started and\nstopped so many initiatives over the course of my life that I\u2019ve lost count.\nEvery time I tell myself, \u2018This will be the time when changes I make will\nstick\u2019 there\u2019s a part of my mind that\u2019s confident that effort is only\ntemporary. It just takes one bad day, or one hiccup to throw off a rhythm and I\nfind myself back in lazy patterns doing just enough to get by. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I hate that. I\nhate that about myself. The things I want to change would leave me spending\nless time on \u2018fun\u2019 and entertaining things and more on things more accurately\ndescribed as hard work. Consistent work. Not \u2018fun\u2019. My mind will tell me that\nI\u2019ve worked really hard to get to where I\u2019m at. Don\u2019t I deserve to enjoy the\nfruits of my labor? Sure, but if I do that then I\u2019ll always be where I\u2019m at\nright now. And I want more than that. Don\u2019t I?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My mind lately has\nfelt as frayed and all over the place as this blog post. I need to construct a\npattern of logic that will get me on track to accomplish the things I want in\nlife. I guess I just have to be patient with myself. It takes a while to learn\nhow to ride a bike. Rome wasn\u2019t built in a day. That sort of thing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have a plan to\naccomplish the things I want this year. I just have to actually do it. That\u2019s\nthe hard part. It\u2019s always been the hard part, and it likely will always be the\nhard part. <\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This is something I had planned on doing for a while, but for one reason or another I never sat down and committed the time. It started as me wanting to write about the experience of living in California; of moving across the country and the amount of effort it took to make this an … Continue reading 2018 Review<\/span>