My thoughts here, like in most blog posts, will be a stream of abstract thoughts and conclusions but they revolve around a central theme.<\/p>\n

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I\u2019ve never really had a series finale.<\/p>\n

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What I mean by that is back during the 90s pretty much every sitcom ended with the main cast of characters would be moving out of what had been their home the entire run of the show. Part recap show, part solemn, yet hopeful, introspection generally rounded out a few seasons worth of life lessons and laugh tracks. The last shot generally featured one of the characters looking back on an empty living room one last time before turning the lights out or closing the door behind them.<\/p>\n

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Executive Producer. Roll credits. I\u2019ve never really done that before.<\/p>\n

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I moved down to Virginia with my sister. No job lined up. $800 in my pocket. All of my stuff jammed into my Dodge Neon. I didn\u2019t even know what the place we were moving to looked like. I just knew I wanted to get away from where I grew up in some cobbled-together attempt at finding myself.<\/p>\n

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After a couple of years or so there, I moved into a townhouse my then-girlfriend rented with some of her friends. They had already been there for a while themselves, so I was just kinda the odd person joining an existing dynamic. My then-girlfriend and I decided to find our own place closer to the city after a year and some change. She found a place. Picked out some furniture, and again I moved without much thought or input. Or care, really.<\/p>\n

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The concept of a home felt\u2026 Lifeless to me. Like many things, it wasn\u2019t something I put a ton of thought into. It wasn\u2019t really until my then-girlfriend became my ex-girlfriend and moved out did I really start to consider such a notion like making a place your own.<\/p>\n

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Necessity breeds evolution, I suppose.<\/p>\n

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There I was, in a place I didn\u2019t pick out, left to pick up the pieces that once was my status quo emotionally, socially, and other ways. It gave me a lot of time to think on my life and the choices I\u2019d made. In a lot of ways, that chapter, as tough as it was, really came to define my thirst for personal growth.<\/p>\n

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Over the new few years, I made this place my own. I came up with d\u00e9cor. I painted an accent wall. I did impractical things like turn a 70 inch tv into a computer monitor. That was cool and all, but in the back of my mind it always felt like some fundamentally unsatisfying foundation.<\/p>\n

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Part of my journey towards self discovery and introspection has always been about proving to myself that the negative thoughts that almost constantly swirl in the back of my mind are wrong; that I\u2019m capable of living the kind of life I want, and accomplishing the kinds of things I want to accomplish. Have I really held true to that ideal on the homefront? Have I really?<\/p>\n

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Like a lot of things, I guess it\u2019s a matter of perspective and how much I want to let negative thoughts influence my train of logic.<\/p>\n

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I went into moving to California with the solemn conviction that I felt I\u2019d be pound-for-pound happier on the west coast. I still believe that, and am excited to find out if the theory holds water but the challenge of making this actually happen has proven to be so much more difficult than I thought it would be.<\/p>\n

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You never realize exactly how much stuff you have until you have to move a ways away. You never realize how engrossing and encompassing \u2018errands\u2019 can become, or how entangled canceling services or setting up services can be until you\u2019re in the thick of it. It\u2019s not until you\u2019ve waded so far in that there\u2019s actually no way of going back that you realize exactly how much effort you\u2019ve signed yourself up for.<\/p>\n

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I guess what\u2019s interesting about my immediate situation to me is that this is all self-imposed. I\u2019m not moving to California for a job, or a relationship, or any specific life circumstance that at all approaches necessity. I\u2019m doing it just because I want to, and because I\u2019m fortunate enough to work at a place that allows me to indulge my logistical insanity.<\/p>\n

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This past month, past year has largely been challenges and obstacles of my own choosing and design.<\/p>\n

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The analogy of a rocket taking off has come to mind a lot over the course of this whole thing. The amount of effort needed just to get off the damn ground dwarfs the amount spent once you\u2019re actually breaking free of the planet\u2019s gravity. But you also don\u2019t appreciate what\u2019s back on the Earth until you\u2019re starting to embark on that trip.<\/p>\n

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I\u2019ve written about it in different capacities over the past couple of years, but moving to the other side of the country has really shed a light on my shortcomings as a brother and son. I simply have not spent as much time as I should have and, really, wanted to with my family.<\/p>\n

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I\u2019ve always felt like something of the odd person out in my family, but that\u2019s always been by my own hangups and proclivities. I don\u2019t think I\u2019ll ever truly fit in anywhere. I\u2019ll find a way to get in my own way at some point. At least that\u2019s been how life has gone for me. But my family\u2019s come to accept that about me.<\/p>\n

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A few times now someone in my family or a friend out of the area will ask me if I have anyone to help with me with the move, and there always seems to be a measure of surprise when I say no. My being a hermit, incapable of maintaining basic social rapports has truly left me on an island here. For a long time, I\u2019ve felt like Northern Virginia just wasn\u2019t really \u2018for\u2019 me. The people here are different from me, I had concluded. But maybe I let that assumption push people away and<\/p>\n

out of my life.<\/p>\n

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Either way, I humbly admit it feels bad to realize I don\u2019t feel like I could ask anyone here to help with anything, or would really want to. I simply haven\u2019t earned that kind of friendship from anyone here in a long time.<\/p>\n

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I worry that I will move to California and just\u2026 Disappear. I\u2019ll be working remotely full time. My ambitions are largely individualistic in nature. I worry that I will repeat the same mistakes I\u2019ve made here and in up feeling alone. Only my family will be a world away. Only I would have truly isolated myself from anything that at all felt familiar.<\/p>\n

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I\u2019m hopeful at the same time, though.<\/p>\n

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Maybe this move will actually improve my relationship with my family. Maybe this move will allow me a clean slate to make better use of the development I\u2019ve had personally. Maybe I\u2019ll make friends that would want to hang out with me consistently. Maybe I won\u2019t feel so lonely or detached from the world. Maybe I\u2019ll feel like I belong somewhere.<\/p>\n

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Maybe I won\u2019t. I don\u2019t know. I\u2019m game to find out, I guess.<\/p>\n

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My life has been a fervent dedication towards impracticality, and I feel like when I close the door of this place in Arlington behind me for the last time it will be a chance to define life fully on my own terms. I will be banged up, exhausted, worn thin, and ready for reprieve by the time I make it to California and start to settle in but I don\u2019t know when my new place will feel like home.<\/p>\n

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I won\u2019t be moving there with someone. I won\u2019t have my sister, or a significant other to share the experience with. The movers will finish dropping stuff off. The stuff I\u2019ve ordered will make it. The door will close, and it will just be me and two confused cats. What then?<\/p>\n

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I\u2019m both excited for and terrified by that answer.<\/p>\n

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Being a loner is something I\u2019ve always prided myself on to an extent. I\u2019m paying for that now. The challenge of it all though will make me stronger, though. On days like today, when I feel genuine despair, loneliness, and an incapability to continue I remind myself of that first time I watch the sun set at the beach, knowing that I live close enough to see that every day if I so chose and I feel like I can push a little further.<\/p>\n

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I\u2019m working my ass off to make this a reality. No matter how anything pans out, I\u2019ll be proud of that at least.<\/p>\n

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I still have a couple of days to get everything packed and ready. I guess life would be too simple and easy if I didn\u2019t also pack my imperfections and emotional turmoil.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"