I don\u2019t really like gifts.<\/p>\n
For two main reasons, chief of which is that I almost never know what to get someone else. So it\u2019s awkward when someone gets me something and I\u2019m caught flat-footed about it. It\u2019s like, \u201cOhh, thanks! I\u2026 I didn\u2019t get you anything, so. Here we are.\u201d It\u2019s a weird mix of feeling obligated, not wanting to feel obligated, but genuinely feeling obligated because of an actual want to get a gift for someone. It\u2019s weird.<\/p>\n
But I also have gotten to a point in my life where if there\u2019s something I want I\u2019ll just go get it. I\u2019m fortunate enough to be independent. The fun things; the electronics, the televisions, the video games, the computer parts and what not. I can get those myself when the mood fancies, for the most part. Don\u2019t have to wait for Santa Claus or anything.<\/p>\n
In that, I don\u2019t really feel a want for gifts. I don\u2019t want anything to get me anything. But a gift is seldom just the physical object, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n
I went to my parents\u2019 house this year for Christmas. I\u2019ve developed a newfound appreciation for my folks as I\u2019ve gotten older, and have been able to see how lucky I was to have parents who loved me and saw to me turning out okay. They gave me a foundation to become who I\u2019ve grown up to be, all the while allowing me to become just that. I love them for that.<\/p>\n
But I didn\u2019t get anyone any gifts.<\/p>\n
So I felt extremely awkward when my sister and my parents gave me things. I felt like a bad son. A bad brother. It wasn\u2019t just the monetary, materialistic value of the things they got me. It was the sentiment behind it. They know me well enough to know that giving gifts isn\u2019t my strong suit, nor is receiving them. But they love me enough to get me something anyway. Something about that resonated with me, once I started to get over the valuation I put on myself.<\/p>\n
As poorly equipped as I am at finding a good gift for anyone, I decided to reverse engineer my next course of action.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m old enough that I\u2019m probably more excited about getting a vacuum cleaner than a video game. I can spend my own money on a video game. I don\u2019t want to spend my money on a vacuum cleaner if I can avoid it. Suddenly the jokes I\u2019d heard about adulthood as a kid make sense. So I went down the avenue of the more practical, quality of life approach.<\/p>\n
My sister loves her dog Jersey very much. That happy little puppyface was and is a huge part of my life. She got me through some of the more difficult parts of moving to Virginia. I came up with the idea of naming her Jersey because my sister got her just before we moved. I posed that we were taking a piece of New Jersey with us. It stuck.<\/p>\n
So I went to a pet store and got a bunch of things for Jersey. Puppy pads, a little dress thing she could wear when it\u2019s cold, and some toys. Not much, but I had hoped it would mean a lot to my sister, to realize I know her enough to give a gift that\u2019s related to something that\u2019s close to her heart. That I care.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t know what to get my parents, though.<\/p>\n
The house I grew up in has seen a lot of change since I moved out. My parents have really made the place nice, with new paint, new appliances. But one thing that hadn\u2019t changed was the mailbox.<\/p>\n
That mailbox was part of the oldest memory I can recall, when I was somewhere around 4 and my grandpa pulled up in his van. I ran down the driveway to hug him, and he picked me up. Right by that mailbox.<\/p>\n
But it had seen better days, for sure. I texted my sister and said that I wanted to get mom and dad a new mailbox from us. I borrowed her car and went over to Home Depot to pick one out.<\/p>\n
It was important to me that my parents had to do nothing throughout the entire process. They had a service where someone came to install the mailbox. Which was a relief, because I was prepared to try to install it myself and who knows how that would have turned out.<\/p>\n
It took them a long time to actually show up, but my dad sent me a picture of the mailbox installed this morning.<\/p>\n
The wave of emotion I felt in that moment was infinitely more potent than I had anticipated. I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t just a mailbox to me.<\/p>\n
It was an acknowledgement. An apology. A promise. An expression. Appreciation. Hope. Vulnerability. Admission of emotional dependence. Proof that I have a beating heart still capable of feeling emotion in a capacity that I truly felt left me for a long time.<\/p>\n
I thought about how I am older than my parents were when they had me, and how I couldn\u2019t imagine how I\u2019d handle having a kid, even now. I put myself in their shoes. There\u2019s no friggin\u2019 instruction manual for raising a kid. I imagine you just try to do the best you can. Life isn\u2019t about you at that point anymore.<\/p>\n
More and more I feel a need to make my parents proud. To show them that their effort wasn\u2019t in vain. I get it now, in a way I hadn\u2019t up until about a couple of years ago.<\/p>\n
They didn\u2019t owe me anything, and I owe them everything. They sacrificed so much because they loved my sister and me.<\/p>\n
I see my parents as more than just my mom and dad now. I see them as people, main protagonists in their own stories. It\u2019s in that light that their efforts to raise me seem that much more heroic. I\u2019ve spent a lot of time ignorant of that fact, I\u2019m ashamed to admit. But hopefully I can make up for some of that going forward.<\/p>\n
I got to do something for my parents. I didn\u2019t just get them something. There\u2019s a difference.<\/p>\n
It seems like a bum trade though, when I think about it. \u201cI raised this kid and all I got was a mailbox.\u201d But I hope they look at that mailbox and see their efforts have come full circle, in a way. I hope it\u2019s proof that their efforts put something into the world.<\/p>\n
I like to think I\u2019m pretty cool, and they have a lot to do with what made me me. Maybe that sweetens the deal with the mailbox. That\u2019s the hope, anyway.<\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I don\u2019t really like gifts. For two main reasons, chief of which is that I almost never know what to get someone else. So it\u2019s awkward when someone gets me something and I\u2019m caught flat-footed about it. It\u2019s like, \u201cOhh, thanks! I\u2026 I didn\u2019t get you anything, so. Here we are.\u201d It\u2019s a weird mix … Continue reading The Mailbox<\/span>