Tonight, I sat at the Heroes Hype table at Con Before the Storm as a man beside himself. Going into it, I wasn\u2019t sure what to expect. The concept of a meet and greet isn\u2019t particularly difficult to understand, but for me it was one of the most difficult things I could imagine.<\/p>\n
From one perspective, I was excited to meet people. I feel lucky enough to say being a part of the Heroes community has gotten me to a place where people know me to some extent, so the idea of meeting people who enjoy what I\u2019ve done in the community is pretty neat. From another, it could be fuel for my self doubt to make an argument that people may know me but they simply don\u2019t care enough to actually meet me in some organized capacity.<\/p>\n
It was an instance of putting myself out there in a way that I could come away feeling accepted and\/or rejected. It was scary.<\/p>\n
Ultimately, I\u2019m glad I did attend. Someone told me they\u2019ve followed my casting since I started in Chair League. I hope they found the experience of meeting me to be worthwhile. I hope everyone I met tonight or in general feels that way. I can be pretty clumsy socially, so I always just hope people keep in mind that I\u2019m just a person like anyone else. I\u2019m just me.<\/p>\n
I came away from the experience feeling it was time to confront some feelings I\u2019ve had, and to express them in a way that terrifies me.<\/p>\n
So here goes.<\/p>\n
Actually, a bit of backstory for context. I sang Bass in my high school chorus. As one of the only kids who could actually hit the lower notes, I was more or less needed to fill the role if we were going to have a full sound.<\/p>\n
We were working on a Billy Joel Medley one quarter, and there was an opportunity to sing a solo that I really wanted to take a crack at. This urge was both a surprise and a strong contradiction to my wallflower-like personality and demeanor. In spite of feeling like I\u2019d die from stage fright, if I even got past the likelihood of being laughed at for even wanting to try a solo in the first place, I wanted this solo. I\u2019d carefully find time at home when no one was around so I could practice.<\/p>\n
Even after all these years, I can remember the last day to try out for the solo part. I can recall standing up, walking over to Mr. VanAntwerp\u2019s piano and telling him I wanted to try out for the solo. I remember the look of surprise on his face, followed by fascinated curiosity. We went into the back practice area, and I remember doing everything I could to not quake with fear as I tried to sing the solo. The paranoid feeling that everyone had stopped what they were doing, just to hear me struggle through this solo to laugh at me was crippling.<\/p>\n
But I tried.<\/p>\n
While I didn\u2019t get the part, I look back on that day as a hallmark moment of sorts. I tried.<\/p>\n
So many times in my life, and in so many ways I\u2019ve decided to not \u2018go for\u2019 something. The comfort of possibility felt safer, more controllable than the certainty of an attempt and the results thereafter. The hollow fantasy of what could have been felt more manageable than rejection.<\/p>\n
I almost let that feeling override an actual attempt at casting. \u201cMaybe I\u2019d be a good caster,\u201d I\u2019d tell myself. \u201cBut imagine if you tried and people laughed at you? How terrible would that feel? Do you really want to subject yourself to that kind of pain?\u201d<\/p>\n
But I decided to try, with the promise that I\u2019d just be myself and however that turned out would be what it was. Thankfully, people have been incredibly kind and supportive of my casting. It\u2019s helped me to learn more about myself, and to find a sense of confidence in allowing myself to be who I am. In that, I can never repay the Heroes of the Storm community and the friends I\u2019ve made in it.<\/p>\n
I say all of this to give context to a realization I\u2019ve made recently. Casting has allowed me to put myself out there as a person, but I haven\u2019t put myself out there in terms of my ambitions.<\/p>\n
As difficult as it\u2019s historically been for me to express myself, expressing intentions has been even more difficult. It\u2019s a kind of vulnerability that shakes me to my core. I don\u2019t like showing weakness or failure. I\u2019ve always opted to simply not ask for anything over seeking something that I might not get. It was safer.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been incredibly lucky in terms of casting. I\u2019ve honestly only put myself out there a handful of times. Once to Superjova to cast in Chair League, and once to the folks at Heroes Hype when I applied on their site and got a chance to cast with DJ Tyrant. Pretty much every other instance where I\u2019ve casted I was asked. It\u2019s an incredible feeling to think that I\u2019ve had opportunities come my way the way they have. It\u2019s just\u2026<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve put a lot of time and effort into casting. It\u2019s a thrill and passion unlike anything else I\u2019ve ever had in my life. I get to express my unabashed joy and sense of wonder over the spirit of competition and the spectacle that is a game I adore. Without reservation, I get to be myself and geek out. And I\u2019ve gotten to place where I actually feel I\u2019m good at it. My own sense of self doubt and humility always made compliments I received feel strange. I didn\u2019t think enough of myself or believe in myself enough to really allow compliments to resonate. But in the past year I\u2019ve gone from feeling great about casting to feeling great about MY casting. Perhaps subtle, but the distinction between the two is incredibly profound for me.<\/p>\n
It is with that evolution that I want to do more. I want to cast more Blizzard level things. I feel I\u2019m capable and ready. I feel my style of casting and content creation would bring something new to the table. I think I\u2019m funny. I think I\u2019m charismatic. I think I\u2019d help broaden the audience and shake things up. I think I\u2019d bring emphasis to the human element of competitive Heroes in a way that hasn\u2019t been done before. I think, no, I know \u2013 with every fiber of my being \u2013 that I would rise to any occasion and seize any opportunity given to me and excel.<\/p>\n
The road to that feeling and that kind of conviction has been difficult, and I\u2019m proud to have gotten to such a place. But what does feeling that way truly amount to if I don\u2019t believe in myself enough to actually go after what I want?<\/p>\n
Feeling this way reminds me of trying for that Billy Joel solo, only back then I half-expected failure. Anticipating that turnout stopped me from giving my best effort, and I suppose that\u2019s where I\u2019d most want to grow. It was great to try, but looking back I felt I timidly walked up and tapped on the door of opportunity.<\/p>\n
Now, I want to knock as hard as I can. I want to kick down doors. I want to shout from rooftops. I want a chance to prove myself.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re a part of Blizzard and you\u2019ve read this far, know that I want a shot. I am confident I will knock any opportunity out of the park. If there is any conversation for a chance to cast, I want to be a part of it. I want to be considered.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re a fan or supporter of mine in some way, then I am doing something I\u2019ve never done before.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m asking for your help.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m asking you to let Blizzard know if you think I\u2019m ready for the HGC or LAN level events. I\u2019m asking you to let them know if you feel I should be a part of things. Tweet at them. Let them know. Your support and kind words have inspired me to make such a gesture and amass to audacity necessary to ask for your help. No matter how it turns out, thank you for supporting me.<\/p>\n
I admit I feel scared, writing something like this and vowing to myself to try to go after what I want. As fearful as I am, I\u2019m more afraid of not trying.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been cowardly about a lot of things in my life. I don\u2019t want an ambition as big and important to me as this to be another one of those things.<\/p>\n
If I\u2019m ever going to become the person I want to be, I have to try. I just\u2026 Have to.<\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Tonight, I sat at the Heroes Hype table at Con Before the Storm as a man beside himself. Going into it, I wasn\u2019t sure what to expect. The concept of a meet and greet isn\u2019t particularly difficult to understand, but for me it was one of the most difficult things I could imagine. From one … Continue reading The Cowardly Lion<\/span>