A common observation I\u2019ve heard about myself is that I can get lost in my own mind. That I get into my own head, and stay there. For too long. And that I need to return to the world more often.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not something I think will ever change about me entirely, and that the task set before me is less about ridding myself of that habit but understanding it enough to not serve as a hindrance to my ultimate ambitions.<\/p>\n
My time so far in California has been a pretty interesting take on that observation.<\/p>\n
I haven\u2019t written in my blog since the beginning of the year, when I spend a good bit of time reflecting on 2016. It hasn\u2019t been for a lack of thought, events, or shifts in mindset. I just\u2026 Haven\u2019t written. I think I\u2019ve gotten too far into my own head again, and that I\u2019ve forgotten what I started this blog for and what it\u2019s come to represent for me. As more people have, over time, read posts here and have been kind enough to say they can relate to what I\u2019ve written I\u2019ve felt it take on something of a different life. And it\u2019s made me feel more selective about what to put in here.<\/p>\n
I should change that.<\/p>\n
The very nature of this blog was to be an open book, and as more people potentially start to look at it I should not shy away from it\u2019s meant to me. I am a recluse in more ways than one, particularly when it comes to emotions. Writing in this blog has been how I\u2019ve chipped away at that, and it\u2019s helped. I want it to continue helping me, and potentially help others. So as self-conscious as I can be about writing here sometimes, I should feel all the more committed to jotting down my thoughts.<\/p>\n
My time in California has been life changing. I started casting as another means of opening up. To find out what it meant to \u2018be myself\u2019 and reconnect with that kind of carefree, unscripted, unfiltered aspect of what makes me me. To think that in response a community has come to enjoy my natural expression, and that because of it I\u2019ve gotten a chance like this is and forever will be mind blowing.<\/p>\n
As amazing as the experience has been, and as much as I wouldn\u2019t trade it for anything in the world, it has come at a cost.<\/p>\n
It is a tall order, for me, to be asked to step outside of my routine and effectively put my life on hold for 6 and a half weeks. What has always been a natural expression of myself at a rate and quantity of my choosing has now been invested in a business sense, and that\u2019s not something I want to fall short of or let down. So there\u2019s an added pressure to \u2018perform\u2019, when casting has been anything but a performance for me.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s been interesting in that I\u2019ve actually found an appreciation for my \u2018day job\u2019 out of this. I would jump at the chance of making a living by casting or doing something along those lines, but for my normal job I can put some music on, tune out the world, and just complete tasks assigned to me. It\u2019s like meditation in some ways. There\u2019s no \u2018pressure\u2019 to be me. Just to get a job done. The way I cast requires me to open myself up to an audience in a way a normal job doesn\u2019t. It\u2019s something to think about, for me.<\/p>\n
That contrast is not something that would have me shy away from more actively pursuing a career in front of a camera, but it\u2019s something that this experience has given me insight to that I didn\u2019t have otherwise. I\u2019m glad to have that insight now.<\/p>\n
The world around me here feels like an invisible mirror. I guess reading that sentence back makes it sound like a pretty dumb observation, or even nonsensical but I swear there\u2019s a logic to it.<\/p>\n
This may as well be Mars. I\u2019ve said as much before I could announce where I was going or why. I\u2019d say I was getting ready for my trip to Mars. When you are removed from everything that you know and everything that\u2019s comfortable for you, the challenges and nuances of the new environment makes the equation to distill what makes you you that much easier.<\/p>\n
Stepping onto that stage the first night after rehearsals and hearing the producer say, \u201cQueue,\u201d and knowing that we were live and that I had to be ready to host was the moment I realized I was away from everything I knew and the only thing that was consistent was what I brought here. Me. There was no misconception. The world, at the moment, served as a mirror to where I could, effectively, see myself for what I was. And what I wasn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Since that realization, it\u2019s been difficult to see every other experience and interaction I\u2019ve had here any differently. You learn about yourself when you venture outside of your comfort zone, in short.<\/p>\n
And I\u2019ve been learning a lot.<\/p>\n
Casting has always been, in a lot of ways, a selfish endeavor. It\u2019s my way of putting myself out there into the world, and this is the biggest avenue I\u2019ve had the chance to do that by far. It can leave me feeling raw sometimes, the amount of myself I\u2019ve had to \u2018put out there\u2019 since I\u2019ve been here. I\u2019ve made friends, acquaintances, and formed bonds with colleagues in a way that feels very uncomfortable for me. When I go into a new environment, I am very quiet and observant at first. Then I start to branch out.<\/p>\n
I am fortunate enough to have been lucky to have folks who have been very accommodating and accepting of my quirks. I feel right at home on stage now, and I honestly didn\u2019t think I\u2019d feel that way so soon. So, to anyone that\u2019s been a part of that, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.<\/p>\n
This experience so far has been bittersweet in that I know it will eventually end. But I will be glad to get back to my routine and my cats. To get back to what I know. But by then I\u2019ll have gotten to know this as well. This will have become my routine. And then maybe home won\u2019t feel so much like home anymore.<\/p>\n
And I\u2019ll just be stuck in some kind of weird limbo. I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n
In coming here, I\u2019ve learned more about what areas of my life I am happy with and what areas I would like to expand on or work on. Some of those realizations have been bitter pills to swallow, but all of them have been necessary if I\u2019m to take steps toward being the best me I can be.<\/p>\n
It can be lonely sometimes. And at the same time the isolation can be absolutely enthralling.<\/p>\n
Maybe someone will read this and think that I\u2019m not enjoying my time here or that I wouldn\u2019t want to do something like this again. To that, I\u2019d say I am overall very much loving my stay in California and the reasons why I am here. It is truly a blessing and it\u2019s been amazing.<\/p>\n
I just try to take my life\u2019s experiences and \u2018get\u2019 something from them. An experience like this is monumental on that front, and it\u2019s given me a lot about myself to process.<\/p>\n
There are parts of me I\u2019d like to embrace, some I\u2019d like to work on, and some I\u2019m best served letting go.<\/p>\n
If there was one thing to take away from this it\u2019s that there are more layers to me than what is seen of me when I cast, yet at the same time when I am casting it\u2019s 100% me to the best of my ability to express myself.<\/p>\n
I will forever be under development, and that\u2019s not something to feel bad about.<\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A common observation I\u2019ve heard about myself is that I can get lost in my own mind. That I get into my own head, and stay there. For too long. And that I need to return to the world more often. It\u2019s not something I think will ever change about me entirely, and that the … Continue reading Lessons in the Mirror<\/span>