{"id":122,"date":"2016-12-04T22:17:16","date_gmt":"2016-12-05T03:17:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ah3web.com\/blog\/?p=122"},"modified":"2016-12-04T22:24:58","modified_gmt":"2016-12-05T03:24:58","slug":"greyscale","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/ah3web.com\/blog\/2016\/12\/04\/greyscale\/","title":{"rendered":"Greyscale"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dexter Gordon \u2013 I Guess I\u2019ll Hang My Tears Out To Dry<\/a><\/p>\n

I think about myself, pretty often. Perhaps too often. I think, however, that there\u2019s something to be said for introspection. If I can\u2019t understand who I am and where I\u2019ve been, how am I to at the very least appreciate where I\u2019m going? Would I not be doomed to repeat the same mistakes? To walk through the same lessons? If I didn\u2019t take time to reflect?<\/p>\n

I suppose the converse to that is if I spend TOO much time reflecting do I ever really move forward? Do I ever truly afford myself the opportunity to act on the benefits of past experience? Am I stuck in some mausoleum of the mind? A fixed point of my life where I relive a moment of joy, pain, success, or despair? Am I really moving forward?<\/p>\n

Moderation is key, would be my answer to the both voices at either ear. I don\u2019t want to get so lost in my head that I fail to see the world around me as it is. But I don\u2019t want to get so far away from my introspective nature that I never truly grow or process\u00a0my experiences.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve come to some interesting realizations over the past day or so. Scary, thought-provoking, terrifying realizations.<\/p>\n

My struggle with depression has been well documented in this blog. Long has it been something I\u2019ve worked diligently to avoid talking about, let alone sharing, with anyone. My vivid, negative-slanting imagination would manifest instances of rejection, revulsion, and disappointment at even the idea of me talking about depression to anyone.<\/p>\n

And that was why I spent so long trying to suppress it, unsuccessfully so. When something nestles itself at the base of almost every thought, ignoring it is a pretty fool-hardy approach. You practically invite it to have the full run of things.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m glad that as I was turning 30 I went about seeing a doctor about it. Taking anti-depressants has definitely helped me to manage my feelings.<\/p>\n

As I\u2019ve described in the past, taking anti-depressants has taken things that would make me sad and turning them more into things that I just found saddening. I\u2019m not so directly affected by things, and that allows me to better process them before they\u2019re able to settle in my mind.<\/p>\n

They feel, to me, as a filter of sorts. A stop-gap that allows me to prepare myself before things solidify.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve taken the same anti-depressant for a couple of years now. In the past month or so, I\u2019ve started to notice something within myself.<\/p>\n

Having always been something of a robot, taking a clinical and logical approach to things most would find more organic or human ways to talk about or express is not a new concept to me. It\u2019s how I make sense of things. It\u2019s how I articulate things. I may come off hollow, or perhaps even not particularly genuine, but it\u2019s as authentic as I know how to be.<\/p>\n