What happened with this blog is, in a lot of ways, very symbolic to me.<\/p>\n
I hit rock bottom. I sit down and about what\u2019s next. I look in the mirror. For a long time. I take stock. I assess. I objectively analyze every nook and cranny of my very existence and decide I am not particularly pleased with my findings. I decide to take responsibility and make changes.<\/p>\n
With difficulty, I put my thoughts and feelings out in a relatively public forum as a means of therapy. I get these notions in my head out. Place them in something external that I can read and chew on. I document. I feel change.<\/p>\n
I started work on a website I\u2019m developing, making changes to the SQL database I\u2019ve set up. I set up the database months ago when I had no clue what I was doing with it. I just started to learn how to mess with it, and I decided that a clean slate would be good so I can make sure I didn\u2019t set anything poorly. No problem. No issue. I look forward to the prospect of me making such a complex website from start to finish on my own. I think about the sense of accomplishment and joy in building Rome not in a day, but over months of painstaking development.<\/p>\n
Today, I find out that my resetting that database deleted all of my posts. I scramble. I realize I didn\u2019t save these posts anywhere else. I look through Google cache. I find nothing. I try to think of every conceivable way I can recover these posts; these posts where I poured my heart and soul. I can\u2019t find them. I\u2019ve failed.<\/p>\n
My honest attempt at one thing entirely ruined something else just as, if not more, important to me. All of the work I put into that other thing is gone, and with it goes the accomplishment I felt over that. I\u2019m back at the bottom. I might even have cracked the bottom and gotten even lower somehow. Cheers.<\/p>\n
I stare at a blank page. I despair. I decide to start again.<\/p>\n
I see a lot of parallels in how I\u2019ve been going about this want for change. I start putting up scaffolding. I see the design coming together. I do something over here and everything over there falls apart. It wasn\u2019t as sturdy as I thought. I wasn\u2019t as mindful as I thought I was. I wasn\u2019t smart enough or perceptive enough to avoid the mistake that\u2019s set me back to start. I begin to doubt myself and my capacities. My capabilities.<\/p>\n
This process has taught me a lot about faith. I can\u2019t for certain say that I\u2019m going to accomplish all of the goals I have. I don\u2019t know the future. And I know it won\u2019t be easy. But I have faith that I will.<\/p>\n
And in that despair I was feeling, I find hope.<\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
What happened with this blog is, in a lot of ways, very symbolic to me. I hit rock bottom. I sit down and about what\u2019s next. I look in the mirror. For a long time. I take stock. I assess. I objectively analyze every nook and cranny of my very existence and decide I am … Continue reading Symbolism<\/span>